- Skateboards should have a feature where if you ride one and you're over 20-years-old, a WWII vet kicks you in the teeth.
- Bored with life? Leave a door half closed and be terrified when you can come back to it and try to remember if you left it open or closed.
- I still feel like being faster at running would have solved most of my problems.
- "I'm sorry, it's just who I am." = "I am a giant asshole and have no plans of improving myself as a human."
- "Will you just be doing simple abductions? Do you need soundproofing? Shackle package?" - van salesman
- If there's another explanation for my gray hairs other than I'm turning into a polar bear, I don't want to hear it. Don't ruin this for me.
- You know your baby looks exactly the same in every picture, right?
- FB makes HS reunions awkward. Hey, I haven't seen you 20 years. So how was that nap you took this afternoon?
- I will literally punch you in the throat the next time you misuse the word "literally".
- I am woman hear me ROAAAoh is that chocolate?
- Get out of any speeding ticket by assuring the officer that you're already miserable and adequately beaten down by life.
- Get a big metal box, label it "TIME CAPSULE" and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
- How come squirrels get a pass to bury whatever they want in the park but the cops go crazy when I try to bury one tiny bloody knife?
- I love when it's raining. You can keep me from bathing in the fountain at the park, but no one owns the rain.
- Don't get the chicken salad, guys. They can mix so many boogers in there and you'd never even know
- These One A Day vitamins should be called One A Whenever I See The Bottle And Remember vitamins.
- No matter how bad your life is, unless you're touching something sticky, it could be worse.
- Talk radio would be great if they would just shut the F up and play music.
- When a package says "Easy Open" I end up using scissors, knife, hammer, gun and a lightsaber.
- I don't know what bird swear words sound like, but based on their tone, I'd say crows use a lot of them.
- Pretty soon we'll be able to plug our iPhones right into our butts instead of going to the doctor!
- Stand in line at the supermarket. Stare at the person in front of you for a while, then gasp loudly & back away in horror.
- "Do you want to borrow my phone?" "No thanks, I can find something that wasn't on your naked, shitting lap."
- The only thing cruel about animal testing is that EVERY animal doesn't get to wear all that sexy makeup
Monday, February 20, 2012
No one can stop you from naming your son "Pizza".
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