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Monday, February 20, 2012

No one can stop you from naming your son "Pizza".

  • Skateboards should have a feature where if you ride one and you're over 20-years-old, a WWII vet kicks you in the teeth.
  • Bored with life? Leave a door half closed and be terrified when you can come back to it and try to remember if you left it open or closed.
  • I still feel like being faster at running would have solved most of my problems.
  • "I'm sorry, it's just who I am." = "I am a giant asshole and have no plans of improving myself as a human."
  • "Will you just be doing simple abductions? Do you need soundproofing? Shackle package?" - van salesman
  • If there's another explanation for my gray hairs other than I'm turning into a polar bear, I don't want to hear it. Don't ruin this for me.
  • You know your baby looks exactly the same in every picture, right?
  • FB makes HS reunions awkward. Hey, I haven't seen you 20 years. So how was that nap you took this afternoon?
  • I will literally punch you in the throat the next time you misuse the word "literally".
  • I am woman hear me ROAAAoh is that chocolate?
  • Get out of any speeding ticket by assuring the officer that you're already miserable and adequately beaten down by life.
  • Get a big metal box, label it "TIME CAPSULE" and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
  • How come squirrels get a pass to bury whatever they want in the park but the cops go crazy when I try to bury one tiny bloody knife?
  • I love when it's raining. You can keep me from bathing in the fountain at the park, but no one owns the rain.
  • Don't get the chicken salad, guys. They can mix so many boogers in there and you'd never even know
  • These One A Day vitamins should be called One A Whenever I See The Bottle And Remember vitamins.
  • No matter how bad your life is, unless you're touching something sticky, it could be worse.
  • Talk radio would be great if they would just shut the F up and play music.
  • When a package says "Easy Open" I end up using scissors, knife, hammer, gun and a lightsaber.
  • I don't know what bird swear words sound like, but based on their tone, I'd say crows use a lot of them.
  • Pretty soon we'll be able to plug our iPhones right into our butts instead of going to the doctor!
  • Stand in line at the supermarket. Stare at the person in front of you for a while, then gasp loudly & back away in horror.
  • "Do you want to borrow my phone?" "No thanks, I can find something that wasn't on your naked, shitting lap."
  • The only thing cruel about animal testing is that EVERY animal doesn't get to wear all that sexy makeup

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