A bald eagle couldn't tell you one word of our national anthem.

• "I feel it coming on… I must kill again soon." - your adult friend who's way into Disney, in a private moment
•  Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
• Next time I update my resume, what do you think would be the best section to put "Haven't died"?
• Sometimes I Take a long, hard, sexy look in the mirror and try to figure out why nobody calls me "Love tank" anymore.
• Shout out to everyone who's never made me eat a live rooster at gunpoint
• I do this cool spin move/finger guns thing when I deny bums asking me for money. It lets them down easier.
•  I'm still surprised Sesame Street never covered "Ain't nuthin but a G thang."
• Take a minute and ask yourself -- when's the last time you told someone you loved them? Oh, just today?? Easy there, clingy!
• ALERT NEW YORKERS: Statue of Liberty is a Trojan horse. French people hiding inside are very patient.
• If you watch Lord of the Rings backwards, you probably smoked that hydroponic shit my cousin Keith grows. Tell him I said what's up.
•  If your lawyer has a ponytail you're going to prison.
• I hate when someone calls me arrogant. Especially when they're clearly beneath me.
• I don't understand fitting rooms that don't have chairs. Where am I supposed to sit and weep after trying stuff on?
• Hiding candy wrappers under trash in the garbage can means it never happened.
• I'll have a sandwich, hold the mustard. That's right, hold it gently. Now whisper something sexy to it. Good, good.
• "Gosh," murmured Krista, tucking her greasy hair behind her giant ear, "I'm in quite a pickle!" The cursor blinked; an unseeing, uncaring eye.
• I'd rather go for a swim in shark-infested waters with a gaping wound on my leg than to hear someone begin a sentence with "I reckon".
• If you call shotgun in my car I will make you hold a shotgun because I find humor in really easy obvious jokes
• I make fun of you because how else are you supposed to know you sound like an idiot? You're welcome.