Actually, I do have an alibi for being ugly. My lawyer will contact you.

• Wait - what's the point of blocking if they don't die?
• I download some songs by Adele and now I have diabetes and a Lane Bryant credit card.
• Inside everyone lies the ability to wear socks with sandals.
• I need a v-neck so deep that it's just a belt, then I'll be the sexy mayor of nipple city.
• What people don't realize is that in 1843 a "Jingle Bell" was a rape whistle.
• What choosy moms really need to choose is to shut the hell up and make the damn sandwiches...
• Choosy moms choose Jif. Boozey moms choose Jeff, the abusive, alcoholic boyfriend.
• I'm talking about you behind your back only because your face is so awful to look at.
• I wonder if Beauty got pissed when the Beast turned into a man and lost his giant Beast dong.
• So I guess no one ever bothered to tell Gwen Stefani she's neither 14 years old nor Asian.
• Yesterday was my day off so I bought myself a corsage & wore it with my old prom dress & then I stood outside the Walmart crying.
• My grandfathers fought for this country and if they were still alive today, I'd ask my parents to thank them for me.
• You may be allergic to peanuts, but at least you're not allergic to cats! Delicious, delicious cats.
• I'm like a cartoon character in that I do my hair and makeup the exact same way everyday. I also never change my underwear.
• Some annoying girl just bumped into me while I was in a bad mood and now I have to find a hiding place for the body :(
• Dinosaurs may have had penises the size of elbow macaroni. We'll never know for sure.