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Monday, February 20, 2012

Actually, I do have an alibi for being ugly. My lawyer will contact you.

  • Wait - what's the point of blocking if they don't die?
  • I download some songs by Adele and now I have diabetes and a Lane Bryant credit card.
  • Inside everyone lies the ability to wear socks with sandals.
  • I need a v-neck so deep that it's just a belt, then I'll be the sexy mayor of nipple city.
  • What people don't realize is that in 1843 a "Jingle Bell" was a rape whistle.
  • What choosy moms really need to choose is to shut the hell up and make the damn sandwiches...
  • Choosy moms choose Jif. Boozey moms choose Jeff, the abusive, alcoholic boyfriend.
  • I'm talking about you behind your back only because your face is so awful to look at.
  • I wonder if Beauty got pissed when the Beast turned into a man and lost his giant Beast dong.
  • So I guess no one ever bothered to tell Gwen Stefani she's neither 14 years old nor Asian.
  • Yesterday was my day off so I bought myself a corsage & wore it with my old prom dress & then I stood outside the Walmart crying.
  • My grandfathers fought for this country and if they were still alive today, I'd ask my parents to thank them for me.
  • You may be allergic to peanuts, but at least you're not allergic to cats! Delicious, delicious cats.
  • I'm like a cartoon character in that I do my hair and makeup the exact same way everyday. I also never change my underwear.
  • Some annoying girl just bumped into me while I was in a bad mood and now I have to find a hiding place for the body :(
  • Dinosaurs may have had penises the size of elbow macaroni. We'll never know for sure.

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