No more presidents till we finish the one on our plate.

• Look I'm not saying I ended up high at costco but maybe I did
• I cleaned my room & now I can't find my ring :< please send me pictures of fat animals thx very much
• I hate that my neighbor always calls the cops whenever I try to find out how much of my stuff is bullet-proof.
• Eat Pringles like nobody's watching. Or listening. Or thinking about you. Or wondering if you're okay. Or calling.
• Dear Diary, Why don't cows smell like leather? I should remind my friends that corn on the cob stays the same in their poop. I love things.
• I heard that purgatory is just a room full of teenage girls blogging and rolling their eyes at you.
• EVERYBODY JUST CALM DOWN! Where are my pants?
• I'd love to see a video montage of every single time I've tried to find something at the bottom of my purse.
• I'm so excited for autumn this year, I just want to cut some leaves out of construction paper and glue-stick them to a big chunky sweater.
• "It'll be a small wedding, nothing fancy," I happily told the cashier, as we both stared at the diamond ring on my finger, drawn in red pen.
• No one spoil the ending, I haven't finished the iTunes user agreement yet!!
• If the restaurant is a "roadhouse", someone better be standing by to roundhouse kick the food out of my mouth.
• Want to see something amazing? Go in to a nerdy movie memorabilia store and say aloud, 'Technically, Vampires are a type of zombie.'
• Its gonna take all night to sew the legs back onto my jean shorts. I hate winter.