Farts are just poop sighs.

• Lady Gaga is giving me a free concert! (I dropped my radio in the toilet.)
• "I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS!" --me as I walk out of the office kitchen refusing to make coffee.
• Thank you lucky charms, for for being an acceptable way to eat marshmallows before 10 am, thank you
• If I was a farmer the first thing I'd do is have a meeting with the roosters & cows & tell them to wake up around 9:30 instead of 5.
• WHERE MA PIPIN' HOT WAFFLES AT
• It's awkward when my coworker fights with her bf over the phone, mostly because she whispers & I have to roll my chair close to her to hear.
• Sometimes I need something heavier than a sheet or a blanket on top of me to sleep. Like gravy.
• Gonna make a dance video in the street. I might crawl around on the hood of my car and/or dramatically throw a traffic cone. Not sure yet.
• I wish we lived in a world that didn't judge people based on their appearances except on the days I got it going on.
• Couples holding hands: I'm still going to look at your butts.
• I like peas now am I a lady?
• I'm writing a screenplay about a mouthy loose-cannon cop who goes deep undercover to infiltrate a notorious hacky sack ring.
• I'd buy ice cream from the ice cream truck guy if his bell didn't sound so sad. I'm gonna tell him "Yo, your bell is bad for business". Brb
• I hope all your dreams come true! Except for that one. No, no, the other one. Yeah, that. You're really messed up for wanting that.
• Sickos be sicko-in'.
• I blame my horrible luck on that mirror breaking gang I was in during my elementary years.
• I need to take a break from this break I'm taking.
• Make no mistake, I will definitely break up with you over how ugly your "cry face" is.