Take a deep breath and eat a pie in the bathtub.

• I bet peeping toms see a lot more nose picking than they bargain for.
• My Almost-Out-Of-Ketchup face is pretty serious.
• "I really think we could be more than just friends," Christopher Robin whispered as he realized he was 18 years old and talking to a bear.
• The purest love in the world exists between a rapper and his exotic fish tank.
• They say God won't give you more than you can handle, but a family event is going to keep me from watching soapnet all day. WTF?
• Having a one-track mind isn’t so bad if the track leads to Magic Bacon Land.
• Naming your daughter after a gemstone is a good way to break it to her early that you can't afford to pay for college.
• If you love someone set them free. Then send them a text message every hour letting them know you've set them free.
• My biggest fear is that one day I might be driving next to a cliff when a Sammy Hagar song comes on the radio.
• The plaintiff? I'd like to think I'm more the girl-next-dooriff, your Honor.
• If I'm ever being chased by a killer I'm gonna bang my head against a wall and hopefully stay knocked out until my therapy appointment.
• All the hormones we’re pumping into food are making our diets dangerously sexy.
• If I hadn't paid attention in Spanish class, I wouldn't have been able to order a purple sock in this Argentinian restaurant.
• What are we doing, just standing around not digging for fossils?
• I can’t believe how much of this stuff at the self checkout is free.
• I heard that purgatory is just a room full of teenage girls blogging and rolling their eyes at you.
• LA where do you go to take a shit? Downtown area has no public restrooms WHY (also heads up that's why it smells like pee btw)
• Facebook is great for catching up on what your friends have been up to without you.
• When a character in a movie says the title in the middle of dialogue they should be required to wink and make tiny guns with their fingers.
• Instead of teaching kids about birth control they should just make them watch these scary movies where all the slutty teens get butchered.