My femininity has a first name, it’s B-I-T-C-H.

• I've always been surprised at the United States' stance on immigration considering the national anthem starts by asking Jose if he can see.
• Why is no one else concerned with Betty Boop's obvious brain tumor?
• I think 'The View' would be an amazing show if they got rid of all of the cameras and microphones.
• Nobody wants to publish my pop-up book about Nippley, the mole who forgot to live underground :(
• My serial killer shtick would be forcing people to "dance for their lives" & then pulling out a water gun and grabbing a vanilla milkshake.
• If the Union of Concerned Scientists spent less time Emailing me and more time doing science, they'd be less concerned. But, it's whatever.
• Just tried to eat my bread bowl before I ate my soup and three people died.
• You’d think the Greek Gods could get people to sculpt them with bigger penises.
• Paper cuts are your soul’s portal to the real world.
• Help! Someone is trying to break into my house by distracting me with a very scary moth!
• Oh me? Just measuring my volume in the bathtub to see if I can truthfully report that I am a "tall glass of water" on this dating site.
• When I watch sports, I call the winning team Happiness and the losing team Depression because the only thing I care about is food.
• Butterflies, Bald Eagles, and time never listen to me when I ask that they fly slower to give my life just a smidgen more dramatic effect.:(
• What doesn’t kill you probably lacks sufficient funds or skill to poison your dinner with arsenic.
• "I'm gonna be straight with you, I don't really care if Bambi makes it out of that fire." - Me to my little cousin during movie time
• Apparently there is a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down
• Taser doorbells. Because we already know we hate you.
• The hospital still doesn't have laser tag in the lobby so I guess ill just keep my suggestions to myself from now on.
• Show up to family dinner wearing a cape so everybody knows you're getting the last piece of ham.
• Girl at the pool put her pants on the floor and tried to hop right into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl is better.