Gum chewers make me feel murdery :(

• So, we're just going to let Justin Timberlake keep acting? Great job people.
• "Danger" is my middle name. I just spell it "Marie."
• I have the scariest costume of all time this Halloween going as "sneezing while driving 70 mph @ 515am can't top that
• Putting a hypothetical gun to your child's head doesn't help them choose a cereal any faster. FYI
• I bet wars are, like, crazy loud.
• When I die, I'd like to be melted down and made into decorative necklaces that my friends and family feel forced to wear.
• My grandma asked me if my co-workers were nice to me. I said no. You guys are screwwwwwwwed.
• Getting ready to watch See No Evil. I hope the cops are ready for all of my "I heard a weird noise!" calls.
• This movie title is bullshit. I'm seeing evil already. Hold me.
• Uh oh. There are people having the sex in this movie. They're gonna get butchered for sure.
• Guys, can you all send me your parents phone number? I want to let them know how great you guys are doing onFacebook!
• My son had a fascinating booger situation on his face this morning that I'm calling "Hitler Walrus."
• I'm getting fat. **looks deeply into your eyes as I lick brownie mix off the beater**
• Don't watch me count stuff. I know you're counting in your head at the same time. It's distracting. And now I have to start over. Again.
• I like to set the tone with potential suitors by holding my dog up in front of my face and saying "ARE YOU MY NEW DAD" in a Yoda voice.
• no roughage for me thanks. I like pooping to be a struggle.
• I wish Dora and Diego's backpacks would just shut the F up already.