Listen if you call me on the phone youre clearly obsessed with me

I write 82% of my notes with no pants on.

• Everyone's entitled to their stupid opinion.
• I don't mean to brag but I bet I could win a toddler beauty pageant
• You almost have to question the judgment of any guy who's never tossed a donut in the air and tried to catch it with his boner.
• I'm at a point now where I just cry if I'm not having pizza.
• MAYBE I'D EAT RAISINS IF THEY WERE MARKETED AS GRAPE ZOMBIES
• Americans are wearing the shit out of diabetes.
• I’m terrified of bugs. No idea what to say to them.
• You guys would be impressed by how high I can stack stuff when I don't wanna empty the trash.
• There's a lot of people I've been meaning to stab in the face but there just isn't enough time for all the murder.
• The intensity in which my dog is staring at the neighbors kid playing out the window is getting creepy.
• In my mind, I become the best parent in the world when I'm silently judging how other parents are handling their kids.
• Church taught me that Cheerios were a little bag of shut-the-F-up.
• I'm staining our fence, but when I go to dip the paint brush my latte spills. This must be what it was like in the Old West.
• ANYONE WANT TO WATCH ME DRINK WATER ON SKYPE
• You can always count on me to rip your document while trying to tear along a perforated edge.
• I know it sounds creepy but I had a premonition that my friend was going to die right before I murdered him.
• I wish the Native Americans made a dream catcher only for cupcakes.

•  A good trick would be if bears wore overalls because then you'd think they're farmers but then surprise they are bears! Run.
• Just spent a few minutes trying to see what the back of my eyelids look like in case any of you were wondering if I finished college.
• By the end of the day I look like an unmade bed.
• So, you want to roll with the big dogs huh? *rolls down meadowy hill in the warm sun with three large St. Bernards, laughs, feels joy*
• If my open tray table can really hinder a landing we really need to rethink the whole air travel thing.
• Not being on fire is part of a balanced breakfast.
• Feels pretty good to be every single episode behind on "Doctor Who".
• If Paul McCartney spends any time in hell, my guess is it'll mostly be having to listen to me try and harmonize with him singing Blackbird.
• Sweater Vests: Keeping your torso warm and your conversations short.
• Nothing in all this world beats asking the dreadlocked guy behind the Whole Foods deli counter for a pound of dolphin meat.
• Watching a guy apply chapstick is like staring directly into the sun.
• As an only child I hate when people call me "selfish" or "to tell me about their stupid accomplishments".
• Nervous in a social situation? Quickly say as much stuff as you can to whoever is looking at you and then pass out. Problem solved.
• Celery is so awful, even calories are like, "Hell no, we don't want to be in that thing!"
• Guys, don't put on TOO much cologne. One whiff is usually enough to make a woman flood her undies with sex juice.
• "It's all about being confident in the way your butthole looks." - cats.
• I love how weathermen just assume it's going to be a pleasant weekend. I guess they don't have any family.
• I still get upset when I think about the year I dressed up for Halloween as a cell phone and everyone thought I was a calculator.
• I'm trying to be less pessimistic but some people still put white rice in burritos.