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Friday, February 24, 2012

Listen if you call me on the phone youre clearly obsessed with me

I write 82% of my notes with no pants on.

  • Everyone's entitled to their stupid opinion.
  • I don't mean to brag but I bet I could win a toddler beauty pageant
  • You almost have to question the judgment of any guy who's never tossed a donut in the air and tried to catch it with his boner.
  • I'm at a point now where I just cry if I'm not having pizza.
  • Americans are wearing the shit out of diabetes.
  • I’m terrified of bugs. No idea what to say to them.
  • You guys would be impressed by how high I can stack stuff when I don't wanna empty the trash.
  • There's a lot of people I've been meaning to stab in the face but there just isn't enough time for all the murder.
  • The intensity in which my dog is staring at the neighbors kid playing out the window is getting creepy.
  • In my mind, I become the best parent in the world when I'm silently judging how other parents are handling their kids.
  • Church taught me that Cheerios were a little bag of shut-the-F-up.
  • I'm staining our fence, but when I go to dip the paint brush my latte spills. This must be what it was like in the Old West.
  • You can always count on me to rip your document while trying to tear along a perforated edge.
  • I know it sounds creepy but I had a premonition that my friend was going to die right before I murdered him.
  • I wish the Native Americans made a dream catcher only for cupcakes.

  •  A good trick would be if bears wore overalls because then you'd think they're farmers but then surprise they are bears! Run.
  • Just spent a few minutes trying to see what the back of my eyelids look like in case any of you were wondering if I finished college.
  • By the end of the day I look like an unmade bed.
  • So, you want to roll with the big dogs huh? *rolls down meadowy hill in the warm sun with three large St. Bernards, laughs, feels joy*
  • If my open tray table can really hinder a landing we really need to rethink the whole air travel thing.
  • Not being on fire is part of a balanced breakfast.
  • Feels pretty good to be every single episode behind on "Doctor Who".
  • If Paul McCartney spends any time in hell, my guess is it'll mostly be having to listen to me try and harmonize with him singing Blackbird.
  • Sweater Vests: Keeping your torso warm and your conversations short.
  • Nothing in all this world beats asking the dreadlocked guy behind the Whole Foods deli counter for a pound of dolphin meat.
  • Watching a guy apply chapstick is like staring directly into the sun.
  • As an only child I hate when people call me "selfish" or "to tell me about their stupid accomplishments".
  • Nervous in a social situation? Quickly say as much stuff as you can to whoever is looking at you and then pass out. Problem solved.
  • Celery is so awful, even calories are like, "Hell no, we don't want to be in that thing!"
  • Guys, don't put on TOO much cologne. One whiff is usually enough to make a woman flood her undies with sex juice.
  • "It's all about being confident in the way your butthole looks." - cats.
  • I love how weathermen just assume it's going to be a pleasant weekend. I guess they don't have any family.
  • I still get upset when I think about the year I dressed up for Halloween as a cell phone and everyone thought I was a calculator.
  • I'm trying to be less pessimistic but some people still put white rice in burritos.

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