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Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Let's eat flamingos!


  •  LOOK I'M SORRY I COMMENTED ON YOUR STATUS I FORGOT HOW STUPID YOUR FRIENDS ARE
  • Just saw a cloud in the shape of a person shaped like a cloud.
  • Watching Rod Stewart slowly turn into and old leather chair that nobody wants has been a small victory in my troubled life.
  • If you deliver a package at my house past 6pm you are either in love with me or want me dead.
  • How am I supposed to believe in a bright future when we can't even find a cure for freckles?
  • "I like painting!!!" —Me, in a fancy art gallery pointing at a painting.
  • If I had only one wish, I would wish for world peace for me.
  • Sometimes a cat stops, looks at his shadow, and whispers, "Yep. Still Batman."
  • I'd understand getting a ticket for not coming to a complete stop if every murder ever was solved.
  • Wanna see me do a really half-assed job? Watch me fold a fitted sheet.
  • People say I can't take a joke but I make fun of myself all the time. I'm such a silly little pretty goose!
  • No I don't want a phone call officer. I'd like to update my Facebook status.
  • My life is literally the opposite of ice fishing.
  • Zebras are just horses that are ready to party.
  • Raise your hand if you put walnuts in your brownies. Now use that hand and slap your face.
  • If I was friends with Beyonc√® I'd totally call her "B-Town" and she'd love that shit.
  • "Pushing the envelope" sounds like one of the tamest things anyone could ever do.
  • If we do enough tests, I'm sure we can find something healthy about French fries.
  • Sometimes I feel like I'm holding my all-purpose cleaner back from living up to its full potential.
  • A little girl just saw me jogging down the hall chanting "snacks" over and over so yeah I'd say I'm one of the more respected staff members around here.
  • Of course, Tony the Tiger isn't his real name. It's Lord Antoine Le Tigris of Kellogg.
  • We should pay teachers more and professional athletes less, because kids don't look up to poor people.
  • I leave all my stove elements on full blast when I go out in case someone breaks in and wants to make a crazy amount of noodles.
  • Pac-Man vs. Hungry Hungry Hippos. Make that happen, makers of happenings.
  • "Let's obsess over each other for three months so we can learn to tolerate stinky stuff." (Relationships)

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