Let's eat flamingos!

•  LOOK I'M SORRY I COMMENTED ON YOUR STATUS I FORGOT HOW STUPID YOUR FRIENDS ARE
• Just saw a cloud in the shape of a person shaped like a cloud.
• Watching Rod Stewart slowly turn into and old leather chair that nobody wants has been a small victory in my troubled life.
• If you deliver a package at my house past 6pm you are either in love with me or want me dead.
• How am I supposed to believe in a bright future when we can't even find a cure for freckles?
• "I like painting!!!" —Me, in a fancy art gallery pointing at a painting.
• If I had only one wish, I would wish for world peace for me.
• Sometimes a cat stops, looks at his shadow, and whispers, "Yep. Still Batman."
• I'd understand getting a ticket for not coming to a complete stop if every murder ever was solved.
• Wanna see me do a really half-assed job? Watch me fold a fitted sheet.
• People say I can't take a joke but I make fun of myself all the time. I'm such a silly little pretty goose!
• No I don't want a phone call officer. I'd like to update my Facebook status.
• My life is literally the opposite of ice fishing.
• Zebras are just horses that are ready to party.
• Raise your hand if you put walnuts in your brownies. Now use that hand and slap your face.
• If I was friends with Beyoncè I'd totally call her "B-Town" and she'd love that shit.
• "Pushing the envelope" sounds like one of the tamest things anyone could ever do.
• If we do enough tests, I'm sure we can find something healthy about French fries.
• Sometimes I feel like I'm holding my all-purpose cleaner back from living up to its full potential.
• A little girl just saw me jogging down the hall chanting "snacks" over and over so yeah I'd say I'm one of the more respected staff members around here.
• Of course, Tony the Tiger isn't his real name. It's Lord Antoine Le Tigris of Kellogg.
• We should pay teachers more and professional athletes less, because kids don't look up to poor people.
• I leave all my stove elements on full blast when I go out in case someone breaks in and wants to make a crazy amount of noodles.
• Pac-Man vs. Hungry Hungry Hippos. Make that happen, makers of happenings.
• "Let's obsess over each other for three months so we can learn to tolerate stinky stuff." (Relationships)