"Don't Google that, Mom!"

1. Just burnt my tongue! UPDATE: My neighbor Steve does not like being called "my tongue" and also I am in big, big trouble.
2. Football would be more interesting if the field was made out of quicksand.
3. Well I tried to make dinner but I spilled melted butter on my front side so I bought an apple pie and now that's my dinner happy holidays.
4. I can't believe it's almost 2012 & there isn't a prenatal test to find out if you're gonna have one of those kids who's really into magic.
5. The couple in the jewelry ad were going to have another kid to save the marriage but he bought her a ring so they should be ok for awhile
6. I guess I don't know why you'd leave batteries out if you don't want me eating them maybe you should just find a new babysitter.
7. My super power is not punching you in the throat when you tell me your super power.
8. WOW WHY DIDN'T ANYONE EVER MENTION HOW FUN UNTANGLING A BAZILLION NECKLACES IS?!
9. Gonna open a store that only sells used socks & binoculars & call it "Foot Stalker" because I honestly know nothing about business.
10. I'm gluing an assault riffle to my cats head so other cats will know whos in charge
11. Need new haters, the old ones are starting to like mee
12. Just ate a turkey leg.. Who wants to slow dance?
13. I'll stop pirating shit when Microsoft Office stops costing an arm, a leg, and a small Ethiopian child named Bumboway.
14. If I were a guy everytime my you know what got hard I'd hang a Hawaiian lei on it just to let the ladies know I was into vacations.
15. I'll stop crying when everything stops being weird
16. In Vietnam, everyone in my platoon would have followed me because I'd tape a box of wine to my gun and I'd be getting the F out of there.
17. Sometimes when the waiter asks me what kind of dressing I want on my salad I say "awesome sauce" and just glare when he asks me to specify.
18. Starting your period doesn't mean you can't still ride a bike, or go swimming, or stab your neighbor in the neck with a frozen cobra.
19. God, bless my family, and please find the atheist squirrels that ate my Christmas lights and fry them with your awesome laser eyes. Amen.