It's worth a shot to put a panda in the White House.

•  I sprayed the cat with ketchup and yelled "fur is murder!" She looked ashamed for a second and now she's enjoying her tasty murder fur.
• I give up on fighting my demons. If you need me, I’ll be romancing my gnomes.
• You never know, those kids might use my "You little bastards will never amount to anything" speech, as motivation for their future endeavors
• If this park has a "no harpoon gun" rule then there should be a sign. And that kid's leg better give me back my harpoon.
• You can tell a lot about a person's wiping habits by which side of the toilet seat is loose.
• "In Case of Emergency Break Glass" signs NEVER have chocolate behind them. Whoever makes these signs has NO IDEA what an emergency is.
• Ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt your regularly-scheduled lame timeline to bring you this announcement: I JUST STUBBED MY TOE.
• I hate when I catch up to a stranger on the sidewalk. Now I have to pretend my phone is ringing so I can avoid the "stranger half smile."
• I have this weird birth defect where I "use my brain to think about stuff." It's super f'ng annoying.
• I'm glad the cooks at Domino's wear those fancy chef coats. Are they still measuring pepperoni by the teaspoon?
• Anyone that claims that they never had any imaginary friends growing up has already sent you a friend request on Facebook.
• It's hard to tell if someone's short email means they're mad or just busy. I always reply, "Thanks, Assface!" just in case.
• A two-dollar bill should be worth more than two dollars. I don't care what math says.
• When you see a PT Cruiser, you have to yell "PT SHOOTER" and shoot the person in the car with you, I don't make the rules sorry
• Gas ovens are great for people who enjoy oven flavored food.
• Just got a client for my advertising agency! After I sew their logo on these miniature capes I'm off to the park to check the squirrel traps

• Shut up like no one's listening.

  • I really  hope the customs agent doesn't ask what I'm gon' do with all this junk, all this junk inside my trunk.
  • I ask my dog to go pick me up some candy or make me a sandwich more than is probably healthy.
  • Hey monuments thanks for being giant erect penises in every city
  • I'm always happy to be the first one to say “how embarrassing” out loud when someone nearby does something totally embarrassing.
  • Do I answer all my own questions? Absolutely
  • Sometimes it's fun to randomly shout, "Hey, asshole!" in a crowd, just to see who turns around.
  • I could never be a cop because It would take all the strength I have not to yell "It's electric! Boogie woogie woogie!" while tazing someone. HELLO EXHAUSTING
  • I've set my phone to airplane mode to add more realism to the nausea and turbulence I experience at work.
  • Women who know each other LOVE to pretend they can't see each other.
  • Panda Express is not an open forum for pandas to express their feelings, but I wish it was.
  • My boss asked me to calculate the speed of two trains leaving different stations at the same time. Sixth grade math just got real.
  • If you have 4 Square linked to your Facebook & you "check in" anywhere near me, I'm gonna come by & make you look at my new shoes.
  • I'd never compare people I don't like to Hitler, but the people who make the little "x" button impossible to find on pop-up ads are Hitler.
  • 44 of my Facebook friends changed their profile pictures. My life is f'ng insane.
  • I go to the movies to listen to fat people behind me eat popcorn and read this over my shoulder chill out on the crunching lardos
  • My co worker sure makes a lot of ruckus for someone I just let become the foursquare mayor of the trunk of my car.