I'm caring-impaired.

• The best part of being an adult has to be the part where you constantly get to tell people how adult you are.
• Almost waved down this guy to ask where he went to college until I saw his alumni sticker in the window. So convenient!
• I'm gonna start bringing sparklers into stores jazz this life up a little bit
• Remember guys, it's really easy to get hit by a car if you're not careful or your name's Phil and you didn't hold the elevator for me today.
• It was so much easier to scissor kick a soda open when I did it in my mind.
• Why don't they bring bumper car technology to regular cars? That way, it wouldn't matter if we bounce into each other out on the road.
• Mom: How was your day? Me: Fine, I guess. Mom: Anything new? Me: If I don't poop soon I'll stab someone. Mom: That's nice, honey.
• Wow. These Bertolli commercials sure do make me want to go back to 19th Century Italy and murder Guiseppe Verdi with a shovel.
• When life gives you lemons, shut the heck up. It could easily give you broccoli. You want broccoli? Yeah, that's what I thought...
• We could save a lot of lives if we made bullets out of marshmallows, Plus war would be more like a super fun candy fight.
• Let's all get super indoorsy. I'll go first.
• Sorry Fraggles, but we need septic tanks for our poop and pee. You'll have to move.
• I thought you said "Assault a pepper shaker." Anyway, totally broke that pepper shaker.
• ERR' BODY IN DA CLUB ON THEIR iPHONES
• I like to wear ironic t-shirts to bed so I can be hipster even while I'm unconscious.
• While standing in line to buy some tabloids, I impulsively purchased a week's worth of groceries.
• I wish I was one of those people that was really in touch with the Earth, but you know, bugs.
• "If only I would have checked myself" - guy who wrecked himself
• A girl told me that her boyfriend sent her flowers and I said he's probably cheating and she cried and I said and that's probably why (helping)
• I'm unconcerned with the definition of nonchalant.
• I bet anyone who's had to fight a bear has snuck at least one hug in
• October: The only month pumpkin patch owners and their wives don't bitterly fight about money and career choices.