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Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Fart. Fart? Fart!

  • The guys who mime the words to "Lose Yourself" by Eminem while lifting weights are secretly listening to Melissa Etheridge (Fearless Love).
  • Hey Netflix. Your instant "New Arrivals" stop being new after a month. Great selection of 1950's movies though. Exhilarating.
  • Annoying people are all discovering new bands on iTunes tonight so they have something to not shut up about at work tomorrow.
  • When the "low pressure" light comes on in my car, I drive faster so my tire reinflates. Cuz, ya know, science.
  • FACT: My cat smells like a newborn angel draped in freshly laundered cotton. MYTH: I participated in physical activity this weekend.
  • "We represent who? SON OF A..." - Rainbows
  • Thrift Stores: Because garbage should cost something.
  • If I had a lot of money, I would only use it to help people less fortunate than myself see how happy it makes me.
  • My gardener thinks all the poop in my backyard is my dog's. And that's just adorable.
  • I'd rather be forced to watch dogs take shits and get boners for 3 days straight, than listen to you complain about your boyfriend.
  • I can't wait to see the new movie The Debt. It's so nice that they finally made a film about my creative writing degree.
  • Pooping off the side of a hot air balloon would make for an exciting excerpt in my autobiography.
  • Food delivery is a combination of my three favorite things: 1. Food 2. Not moving 3. Avoiding people
  • Ugh strangers suck at cuddling.
    • My go-to fake phone call is always a conversation where someone's begging me to come to their party and me being all "Uh, yeah no."
    • Just got a littering ticket in the mail for letting a balloon go when I was seven.
    • At this point, I am potatoes.
    • I swear to god if my computer freezes one more time I'm gonna make another false threat and press re-start really, really hard.
    • My rebuttal is always a kiss on the cheek.
    • Eating at this Pizza Hut in Bumblefuck Pennsylvania really brings out my high school diploma.
    • My hit list is mostly comprised of people who have left food wrappers in my car.
    • If you fake a cough to let me know my cigarette stinks, then I'll probably dry heave to let you know your face is disgusting.
    • I was gonna make this rice but it says I have to boil water. Forget it, I don't even have a chef's hat.
    • Milk and chocolate syrup: The greatest story of interracial love against all odds the world has ever known.
      • I just want to be skinny enough to fit around slow moving crowds.
      • If someone is really angry with you, just keep throwing them surprise parties everyday so they can't yell at you.
      • You can't HANDLE the kind of tea parties I'd be throwing if I were a night guard at Madame Tussauds.
      • I want my tombstone to say "Don't just stand there, change my status and profile pic ASAP."
      • To Do: 1 - Invent seven new dance moves, 2 - Covertly flip off all of my neighbours, 3 - Create own solo social network (Word document?).
      • Got the ol' throat/inner-ear itch. Time for weird, clicky tongue swirls.
      • How can I correct him without feeling rude? Say it quietly to him? Skywriting?
      • Dipping an onion ring in ranch dressing. I call it "vacation salad."
      • I like all the things that happen in between bread
      • Bad Wife Birthday Gifts (write this down guys): 1. Gift card to Buffalo Wings & Rings 2. Iron wrapped in one of your wrinkled shirts 3. One ticket to the Opera
      • Just found out one of my new co workers has the same name as me. I claim it, though. I'll just refer to her as "girl" or "poophead".
      • When I see some1 empty a bag of chips into their gaping food hole I secretly hope a spiders egg sack made its way into the mixture of crumbs
      • Burger King got rid of The King! Poor guy. Losing your job is tough, but I bet he’ll make a fine serial killer.
      • Your thumb ring tells me you smoke out with your mom.
        • Some of the people I've flipped off in traffic over the years have probably passed away by now. Looks like I've finally won.
        • Doesn't it seem like we should be able to fax ice cream by now?
        • Things I love to do- 1. Peel off sunburned skin. 2. Wonder where my hubcap went. 4. Ignore the numbering 3. I think that's it.
        • There was a time when the biggest badass on TV was a kid who carried a slingshot in his back pocket and said stuff like "eat my shorts."
        • My dog ate 3 flies tonight right out of mid-air yet he still acts like he's not qualified to get a job.
        • Opinions are like a-holes. No one has one. - Barbie
        • "THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS" - Father with wrecking ball arms spinning around
        • My favorite musician is the helpless cat that Avril Lavigne chokes to death in all her songs.
        • Can't believe it's been over three weeks since I've had oodles of noodles.
        • My only goal in life is to not have a 'Forensic Files' episode made especially for me.
        • "They're tragically delicious!" - the lucky charms leprechaun after having both legs amputated because of type 2 diabetes
        • "Sending chocolate to the dolphins" is a classy euphemism for taking a dump.
        • Dear Diary, The guy at work still trys to hug me. Should I keep rubbin his back so he knows I dont like that? Are ghosts real? I don't love lisps.
        • My application to the Justice League got rejected. Apparently, holding my breath for a minute is not a superpower. And talking to fish is?

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