I'm a tortured fartist.

•  My dentist still lets me pick from the children's toothpaste flavors. He gets me.
• You know what they say about girls with big hands! (they're not super good at rinsing mugs)
• I still haven't seen 2 horses riding a motorcycle with a side car today, starting to think I might not be psychic after all.
• It's really hard to tell the difference between Bob Dylan and Charlie Brown's mother.
• There's a new facebook scam called "Eat for Free at Pizza Hut." Nice try, but I already got burned on the scam "Eat for Money at Pizza Hut."
• I make the best soup using six glazed donuts and no soup.
• “Six of one, half a dozen of two.” –A guy who’s bad at idioms and math
• A fun fact about me is that there are no fun facts about me.
• I love you just the way you are. Except for the back fat that kinda resembles boobs. Fix yourself.
• FUN FACT: Those guys who yell the chorus in the background of punk songs are linking arms and line dancing. Every time.
• Every New Year's I replace "one" in the countdown with the word "fun" so everyone knows I don't plan to be any less awful.
• How many fun-sized Snickers do I have to eat before the fun kicks in? Cuz now I'm just kinda sick.
• You can learn a lot about a person just by watching them through binoculars 24 hours a day.
• They say you should live life like it's your last day on earth....so lying in a bed breathing heavily then.
• The ads for the kfc bowl should just say "feel like giving up? Let us help"
• Nice try, everyone who failed today but you plan on trying again tomorrow even though you got hurt and accidentally peed your pants.
• Just read "The Three Musketeers," and it's true, the book is always better than the candy
• Man this grocery store sucks, they only have like 543 different types of bread.
• That awkward moment when you flirt with that cute mysterious guy at the mall for 10 min before realizing he's a mannequin & you're desperate
• I just solved the Rubik's Cube I started working on in 1984!
• I want a zombie that likes me for more than just my brains.
• I subsist primarily on soda and candy because I think self-destruction should be delicious.
• I hate it when people say "I didn't mean to hurt you". What DID you mean to do...make me jump for joy and it went horribly wrong.
• Show me on this doll where you paid extra for the three hole input model with silky smooth hair and easy clean surface.
• Funny how my love for kittens varies based upon the surface they choose to puke on.
• I'm calling email shemale from now on. Sc'arewwwww a'you!
• They never talked about that time when the caterpillar made James a mix tape and shit got super weird inside the giant peach.