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Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Has anyone knit a scarf to look like a slice of bacon yet?

  • Why has NO ONE asked me to be in their cult? I'm so cult material.
  • Sometimes I just miss rewinding my cassette tapes with my finger. Those were good times.
  • If I could go back in time I say I'd kill Hitler but I'd probably just keep my dad from learning emoticons.
  • Oh, your public storage facility isn't climate controlled? How do the bodies stay preserved? WHAT IS IT EVEN USED FOR? RUBBER CHICKENS?
  • I just promised a friend a “dude-sized Energizer bunnybot that’s hung like a monster” for Christmas. Target has those, right?
  • Someone just told me everything in life has already been done so I guess this bible I made out of earwax was not time well spent.
  • If they're smart cars, why do the people driving them look so stupid?
  • I try to avoid going near the ocean because the force at which I sigh could probably start a tsunami.
  • Kids as young as 4 are now being treated for ADHD. "He's always running around and smiling. What's wrong with him?"
  • If someone starts yelling at me I pour gravy on them because if you're delicious you can't make me cry
  • Fighting fire with fire makes sounds crazy, maybe try fighting fire with marshmallows or old jackets you don't really wear anymore?
  • Find an empty jar at your friend's house and label it "monkey ghost."
  • I'd be more excited to watch football if, before every play, a player ran to the camera and told us a secret.
    • Something about texting "Hey, weirdo" to random phone numbers just feels right.
    • Homeless people have the most boring picket signs. We get it! You're anti-hunger! Stop shoving your beliefs down our throat.
    • As a noon aid I stress to my students the importance of staying in school if they don't have access to Google at home.
    • My toilet's been running for the last 2 days, so I'm now within my right to put on Navajo war paint and burn the whole block down.
    • I wish life was more like movies basically just because it would be way easier to find parking.
    • Doctor told me I have to stop eating salt. Is there salt in salt licks?
    • For the last time, I get what it MEANS, what I don't get is how to ACHIEVE hakuna matata.
    • My seven-layer dip is the best because each layer is ground up Choco Taco.
    • I hope you all had a great my birthday next year!
    • I'm sick of buying beef jerky at gas stations that just turns out to be Keith Richards. Say something before we get in the car, Keith.
    • I haven't read The Merchant of Venice, but I think it might be about that cafe owner that ripped off my family on a vacation in 2001.
    • Sometimes I can't even believe food would wanna leave me after I ate it. I treat it so gently.
    • I bet everyone who saw me today is at home right now telling their family about how awesome my new sweatshirt is.
    • I answer every job interview question with "snuffleupagus". Ensuring I stay on Facebook with you guys.
    • Sometimes I feel like there’s something inside me, yearning to be free, like a dream or a gerbil.
    • I'm stealing every cat in my neighborhood and training them to attack the throat whenever X Factor comes on. Then I'm returning them.

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