Americans - eating wrong and going on Jerry Springer since the dawn of time.

• To do list: 1)find unfaithful man. 2)get married. 3)call cheaters. 4)tell friends to watch me stab my husband on an episode of cheaters.
• Going to get a flu shot so I guess this is goodbye forever.
• Even when I'm standing still, I'm still probably walking faster than these slow walking people on the sidewalk.
• Me at parties: "Hi, we've never met, but I've looked through all your wedding photos on Facebook. Your grandpa -- so ADORABLE!"
• I have no use for cocktail umbrellas that cannot perform the simple tasks like protecting my drink in extreme weather conditions.
• We get it Rihanna, you own a leotard.
• WHY ARE SIGNS IN TEXAS SO BIG? I AM NOT 95.
• I wouldn't be so fat if I just murdered everybody.
• French fries are my boyfriend.
• I just finished yoga and pilates. Don't act like you don't name your cupcakes.
• Ladies, my mom just said I'm the most beautiful girl in the world. I'm so, so sorry. There's something out there for you too, don't give up.
• When people say "crazier things have happened" I pull out a picture of a grasshopper resting atop my shoulder and say "what, like this?"
• Cell phones have brought us closer to the people whose numbers we don't know off hand anymore.
• The Internet comes back, shrugs, and says, "Page Not Found." And I'm like, "you better saddle up and find it. That's your job."
• Just saw a commercial for the FOOTLOOSE remake. Tough way to find out I didn't get the part.
• It just occurred to me that I've never tried farting on a flame and now I'm really sad about how much of life I haven't lived :(