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Tuesday, February 21, 2012

You look tasty like a lowfat, sugar-free, vegan, gluten-free cupcake.

  • Watching movies would be so much easier if someone would invent a cookie that lasts 90 minutes.
  • "I wanna love you, the best that, the best that I caaaan" -Me, to my breakfast sandwich, as I rub it all over my body before I eat it.
  • People think they can diagnose shit because they watch House and Grey's Anatomy. I'm gonna need 2 cc's of Shut the F up, stat.
  • Let it be known, if you put your 2 year old on the phone with me, I'll drive to your house and pull up all of your plants.
  • Look, at this point, I'm just trying to kill the environment so thoroughly not even the robots can enjoy it.
  • Life's too short to hold your farts in.
  • Just saw two strangers in floppy hats nod to each other because God is good.
  • If there's no wrong way to eat a Reese's, then somebody explain to me why all of these puppies are DEAD!
  • I regret almost everything about my pants.
  • What I learned from Beauty and the Beast is that a man might mistreat you, but if you love him enough, he'll change.
  • Red Rover, Red Rover, send Jimmy right over! (to get clotheslined and displace a vertebrae at age 8 leading to lifelong back problems)
  • Cab drivers don't accept "1 free hug" coupons as payment so I guess shit's about to get weird.
  • What I learned from Sleeping Beauty is that if you don't put out on the first date, you'll die. Alone.
  • If my skin were any more sensitive, it'd be folding its arms and giving one-word responses.
  • Twice a year I remember that leaving some windows open to enjoy a breeze can result in a mysterious door slam. Also, I'm an ugly crier.
  • It's fascinating that a creature can begin as a caterpillar and end as a stepped-on caterpillar
  • No one gives Mary the respect she deserves for sacrificing her blood so we can drink vodka in the morning.
  • Still don't understand why anyone would use a ladder when it only takes a few hours to set up a series of trampolines.
  • I can only wear a white shirt once because I have armpits.
  • Well, EXCUSE ME for expecting a MAILMAN to know the difference between a mailbox and an identical box in the same location filled with bees.
  • Might throw the hunters a curveball this weekend by giving all the deer some sunglasses and a fake mustache.
  • It's like the old saying goes "It's like the old saying goes."
  • I would guess the hardest part about taking home an adult tiger would be trying to decide on a sweet name for it.
  • "Wow! Your baby's enormous head must've destroyed your vagina!" really shouldn't be spoken out loud. Lesson learned.
  • It's weird that everyone else at work eats lunch during our 12:00 PM cartwheel break.
  • "The carpool lane requires a passenger," said the cop, as I sobbed into the steering wheel, still holding hands with the scarecrow.
  • If you're in a clown posse, you don't need to tell us you're insane. We know. Nobody's thinking you're an emotionally stable clown posse.

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