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Monday, February 20, 2012

The best part of waking up is shut up don't look at me.

  • 96% of house fires are deliberately lit by my aunt Tracy in an attempt to seduce firemen/root through rubble.
  • Nope. I'm pretty sure your superpower is being a douchebag.
  • When did it become okay to call people when they give you their number?
  • Oh sure you can be pretty nice and all, but I get the feeling behind closed doors you could be the conductor of the Batshit Crazytrain
  • Jay Z seems like the kinda guy who'd over charge you to use the bottom half of his giant face as a snow shovel.
  • Whenever I feel sad, I remind myself that there's a girl out there cutting inspirational words out of a Cosmo, gluing them to printer paper.
  • My Dad teaches a course on yelling at retail clerks. It's free but you have to follow him through a mall and supply your own Vodka
  • Mass can neither be created nor destroyed so I'm not really in your bedroom and I'm not leaving.
  • A drum set made out of hobo bones isn't an appropriate gift for a 5 year old is it? He probably couldn't even play it till he was like 7
  • Maybe I wouldn't think everyone with a lazy eye is paranoid if they weren't constantly looking over their shoulder.
  • My dad just sent me a message via courier pigeon that just said "ok". Dad, that's not really worth it.
  • I'm not a possessive person as long as you don't touch anything of mine ever.
  • If I eat too many cookies but then immediately go to sleep, did it even happen?
  • The only things I have in common with birds are tweeting and shitting on cars.
  • No one has ever kept their promise to smell me later.
  • My neighbor hung a birdhouse in his tree so I wrote "squirrel college" on a box and hung it from mine. Game on.
  • In preschool I had a mental breakdown. I never thought Id be able to differentiate C & K. They make the same sound. THEY MAKE THE SAME SOUND
  • Goodnight room. Goodnight moon. Goodnight vampire cloud monster from the original 1985 "Fright Night" movie poster who lives in my closet.

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