The best part of waking up is shut up don't look at me.

• 96% of house fires are deliberately lit by my aunt Tracy in an attempt to seduce firemen/root through rubble.
• Nope. I'm pretty sure your superpower is being a douchebag.
• When did it become okay to call people when they give you their number?
• Oh sure you can be pretty nice and all, but I get the feeling behind closed doors you could be the conductor of the Batshit Crazytrain
• Jay Z seems like the kinda guy who'd over charge you to use the bottom half of his giant face as a snow shovel.
• Whenever I feel sad, I remind myself that there's a girl out there cutting inspirational words out of a Cosmo, gluing them to printer paper.
• My Dad teaches a course on yelling at retail clerks. It's free but you have to follow him through a mall and supply your own Vodka
• Mass can neither be created nor destroyed so I'm not really in your bedroom and I'm not leaving.
• A drum set made out of hobo bones isn't an appropriate gift for a 5 year old is it? He probably couldn't even play it till he was like 7
• Maybe I wouldn't think everyone with a lazy eye is paranoid if they weren't constantly looking over their shoulder.
• My dad just sent me a message via courier pigeon that just said "ok". Dad, that's not really worth it.
• I'm not a possessive person as long as you don't touch anything of mine ever.
• If I eat too many cookies but then immediately go to sleep, did it even happen?
• The only things I have in common with birds are tweeting and shitting on cars.
• No one has ever kept their promise to smell me later.
• My neighbor hung a birdhouse in his tree so I wrote "squirrel college" on a box and hung it from mine. Game on.
• In preschool I had a mental breakdown. I never thought Id be able to differentiate C & K. They make the same sound. THEY MAKE THE SAME SOUND
• Goodnight room. Goodnight moon. Goodnight vampire cloud monster from the original 1985 "Fright Night" movie poster who lives in my closet.