I think I just went pro in making fart noises with a leather couch.

• My fart was so hot and forceful an eagle flew in the window and started gliding on the thermal.
• I can usually tell just by the smell of a fart whether it's going to really smell or not.
• Stay away from me, raisins.
• It takes a village to cram an obese child down a well.
• Wow. If you guys aren't even going to bother with my choreography then I'm done being your swag coach. I tried. I gave my all.
• Kitchen Tip: If you save the pink juice from raw chicken, you can make your family truly horrible smoothies that will make them almost die.
• Carefree gum should contain Xanax. Otherwise it is lying.
• "Let the spirit move you!"-preacher who doesn't want to help his friend move
• Can a background check reveal that time you had to shit at a Walmart?
• Did a perfect backflip but I knocked the TV off the wall and everyone’s pissed. I offered to do my stand-up set while they fixed it!
• Wait people actually live in Florida I thought you only go there to die or look for your dad
• Just gave this new blanket my car keys and debit card PIN and asked it to "never leave me."
• This party would be more fun if the nachos would respond to my questions
• If a scary beast was chasing me I'd say "I'm so out of shape, let me know if you're cool with taking a breather." He'd probably be like F U
• There's something stuck in my eye. It's either an eyelash or an entire cat.
• Get that f'in' nice day outta here
• Wait, so when I turn up the radio people in the parking lot are still honking 'coz I'm backing into them?! Huh.
• I'm a tree hugger, but not in a cute, platonic way. Trees can't say no or tell a grown-up.
• I am tolerant of pretty much everything except most things.
• People are telling me Bob Kraft has nothing to do with Kraft mac n' cheese. Next you'll tell me Tom Brady isn't Greg's son.
• Butterflies are just caterpillars that can land on your face.
• My bed is a loving and luxurious cocoon of blankets and pillows and farts.
• Fun game: If a friend always looks at their phone when you talk, slowly walk away until they notice you're with someone who's not a douche.
• Every person who's "seen a UFO" looks like the type of person who would "see a UFO."
• Turns out exaggerated eye rolling & heavy sighs don't really speed up the muscle function in old ladies at movie theater concession stands.