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Monday, February 20, 2012

I think I just went pro in making fart noises with a leather couch.

  • My fart was so hot and forceful an eagle flew in the window and started gliding on the thermal.
  • I can usually tell just by the smell of a fart whether it's going to really smell or not.
  • Stay away from me, raisins.
  • It takes a village to cram an obese child down a well.
  • Wow. If you guys aren't even going to bother with my choreography then I'm done being your swag coach. I tried. I gave my all.
  • Kitchen Tip: If you save the pink juice from raw chicken, you can make your family truly horrible smoothies that will make them almost die.
  • Carefree gum should contain Xanax. Otherwise it is lying.
  • "Let the spirit move you!"-preacher who doesn't want to help his friend move
  • Can a background check reveal that time you had to shit at a Walmart?
  • Did a perfect backflip but I knocked the TV off the wall and everyone’s pissed. I offered to do my stand-up set while they fixed it!
  • Wait people actually live in Florida I thought you only go there to die or look for your dad
  • Just gave this new blanket my car keys and debit card PIN and asked it to "never leave me."
  • This party would be more fun if the nachos would respond to my questions
  • If a scary beast was chasing me I'd say "I'm so out of shape, let me know if you're cool with taking a breather." He'd probably be like F U
  • There's something stuck in my eye. It's either an eyelash or an entire cat.
  • Get that f'in' nice day outta here
  • Wait, so when I turn up the radio people in the parking lot are still honking 'coz I'm backing into them?! Huh.
  • I'm a tree hugger, but not in a cute, platonic way. Trees can't say no or tell a grown-up.
  • I am tolerant of pretty much everything except most things.
  • People are telling me Bob Kraft has nothing to do with Kraft mac n' cheese. Next you'll tell me Tom Brady isn't Greg's son.
  • Butterflies are just caterpillars that can land on your face.
  • My bed is a loving and luxurious cocoon of blankets and pillows and farts.
  • Fun game: If a friend always looks at their phone when you talk, slowly walk away until they notice you're with someone who's not a douche.
  • Every person who's "seen a UFO" looks like the type of person who would "see a UFO."
  • Turns out exaggerated eye rolling & heavy sighs don't really speed up the muscle function in old ladies at movie theater concession stands.

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