Guys, I don't think we should drink so much yesterday.

• Do you have a crush on me? Have you seen me sob underneath a pair of sunglasses on a cloudy day?
• Broke another resolution today by asking seven people if they had a granola bar.
• Feeling insignificant? But think of all the dishes you've washed.
• Don't tell me your biggest fear in life is "dying alone." Have you ever been on fire? Attacked by a shark? Dated someone who used "lol"?
• My stuffed animals are holding hands! This bed is the big city! It's girls' night in the middle of Times Square!
• According to all of this aluminum foil, I'm not much fun to be around.
• I like to scream while I cut my steak so people know I'm ready to party.
• Sometimes I walk around my neighborhood while holding colorful balloons and yell, "I deserve this!" to demonstrate gumption to my peers.
• I'm so glad you tagged me in that picture that only my back fat is in, thanks.
• All I had to do was move my stuffed animals to the edge of the bed, and now we're sightseeing on the Staten Island Ferry!
• Unless I just bought a box of popsicles, it takes me about 45 minutes to get out of my car.
• I only wanna hang out with people who have cleaned a bathtub at least twice.
• It's Saturday night? Why not curl up with a good book? Why not writhe in pain in an empty tub with old letters from people who once loved you?
• All of my walks of shame are from the kitchen.
• Broke my New Year's resolution six times today by using the phrase, "What's the haps?"
• Do these shoes go with this noose?
• I'd put myself in more social situations if I could wear a seatbelt.
• Please hook me up with some bangs at my funeral. I have a feeling it'll look cute.
• Do you have a crush on me? Have you seen me kiss inanimate objects before I throw them away?
• My favorite thing about the rain is staying in, or dropping to my knees and screaming "WHAT IS THIS?!!" in front of schoolchildren.
• Adulthood is just piles of bills and trying to convince your exes you're amazing.
• Get me drunk if you need like 10 compliments.
• My emergency lights are on because I dropped a jalapeño and I can't find it.
• "I'm gonna be a television star!" I yelled at the Hollywood bus tour, from my gold 1997 Toyota Corolla, waving.
• Maybe I'll just give up. Drink only from mason jars. Point and say things like, "thataway."