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Monday, February 20, 2012

Guys, I don't think we should drink so much yesterday.

  • Do you have a crush on me? Have you seen me sob underneath a pair of sunglasses on a cloudy day?
  • Broke another resolution today by asking seven people if they had a granola bar.
  • Feeling insignificant? But think of all the dishes you've washed.
  • Don't tell me your biggest fear in life is "dying alone." Have you ever been on fire? Attacked by a shark? Dated someone who used "lol"?
  • My stuffed animals are holding hands! This bed is the big city! It's girls' night in the middle of Times Square!
  • According to all of this aluminum foil, I'm not much fun to be around.
  • I like to scream while I cut my steak so people know I'm ready to party.
  • Sometimes I walk around my neighborhood while holding colorful balloons and yell, "I deserve this!" to demonstrate gumption to my peers.
  • I'm so glad you tagged me in that picture that only my back fat is in, thanks.
  • All I had to do was move my stuffed animals to the edge of the bed, and now we're sightseeing on the Staten Island Ferry!
  • Unless I just bought a box of popsicles, it takes me about 45 minutes to get out of my car.
  • I only wanna hang out with people who have cleaned a bathtub at least twice.
  • It's Saturday night? Why not curl up with a good book? Why not writhe in pain in an empty tub with old letters from people who once loved you?
  • All of my walks of shame are from the kitchen.
  • Broke my New Year's resolution six times today by using the phrase, "What's the haps?"
  • Do these shoes go with this noose?
  • I'd put myself in more social situations if I could wear a seatbelt.
  • Please hook me up with some bangs at my funeral. I have a feeling it'll look cute.
  • Do you have a crush on me? Have you seen me kiss inanimate objects before I throw them away?
  • My favorite thing about the rain is staying in, or dropping to my knees and screaming "WHAT IS THIS?!!" in front of schoolchildren.
  • Adulthood is just piles of bills and trying to convince your exes you're amazing.
  • Get me drunk if you need like 10 compliments.
  • My emergency lights are on because I dropped a jalapeƱo and I can't find it.
  • "I'm gonna be a television star!" I yelled at the Hollywood bus tour, from my gold 1997 Toyota Corolla, waving.
  • Maybe I'll just give up. Drink only from mason jars. Point and say things like, "thataway."

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