I like to imagine that all my friends talk about me (in therapy).

• I'm gonna call the cops on you guys jk 
• It was right after you said, "I had a dream last night…" that I zoned out to think of more interesting things like belts, or the color blue.
• How hard is it to get me a water bed filled with Capri Sun for Christmas?
• If "catch me on the flip side" doesn't mean "touch my butt" then I've made some terrible, terrible mistakes. 
• I wish I was a mermaid so I could sleep in the bath and not die.
• Before you cut me off in traffic, you should know that in high school I was voted 'Most Likely to Have a Trunk Full of Baseball Bats'
• Saw a napkin that had Happy Holidays written on it. Was planning sad holidays but I guess this napkin is the boss of me or something. 
• Me and this guy's dog are wearing the same sweater. Do I take him or run away in tears
• I'd say about twelve hundred people are straight up mad at me. 
• Night-time, when every sound could be a murderer or me getting another helping of cereal.
• Eat like nobody calls you
• "My other car is a saber-toothed tiger, because cars haven't been invented yet and we ride saber-toothed tigers." - caveman bumper sticker
• Maybe we're trapped in a video game. Maybe deja vu happens because we die and the level restarts
• I'll stay overnight and try to find it in the morning before I let a salesperson assist me.
• I believe the children are our future... Not those ones tho. Sorry about that. Here's a towel.
• Just saw a raccoon in my neighborhood. Guess I'll have to lock away my jewels.
• I hung mistletoe in my doorway because I love kissing that door but I don't want to look like a weirdo
• No one has gas station sandwich insurance. You should put that back, dude.
• When cats and dogs finally rise up against us, the first thing they'll do is strap Santa hats to our heads and take pictures.
• Turned my brain off for the weekend and now I can't stop coming up with ideas for Adam Sandler movies