How drunk do skunks get actually?

• Burning calories is easy. Just set your fridge on fire, then throw it into a volcano, then throw the volcano into the sun.
• I'm capable of so much less than what I'm doing right now
• It's the thought that counts so this holiday I'm giving everyone really expensive thoughts.
• Picking up this tiny piece of paper would take one second, but instead, I am going to vacuum over it 100 times at different angles
• The grass is always greener under 600 Watt HPS grow lighting.
• Maybe there'd be less crime in Gotham if Batman spent less than 7 hours a night crouched on top of a gargoyle overlooking the city. 
• Kinda messed up that we humiliate these pine trees with flamboyant costumes as they die slow deaths near a terrifying fire
• You better watch out, you better not cry, better not pout, I'm telling you why: you're 11 years old and you have an iPhone, you little shit.
• Starting to regret not buying the house with the escape pod
• It warms my heart when ugly people get engaged.
• I don't even try to fold the fitted sheet correctly anymore. I just take it from the dryer and throw it in the fireplace.
• If at first you don't succeed....join an angry mob and yell at the people who did
• Watching me wrap presents is like watching a caveman do math or me do math
• Trying to find a way to tell the lady next door that I want to hold her newborn for 20 min but that I'm not interested in being friends
• Look at my "driving into the sun" face for a good weird out.
• Find a bar's drink recipe book and add "+ owl urine" to each one.they wont notice
• Must be hard being Batman sometimes. I mean, fighting a guy with the superpower to tell riddles? Wow. How does he do it?
• Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Give a man a well placed strike to his L1 vertebrae and he’ll eat through a straw.
• Every time someone emails me I feel like they are reaching into my soul & attacking me but every time I email someone I feel nothing