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Monday, February 20, 2012

How drunk do skunks get actually?

  • Burning calories is easy. Just set your fridge on fire, then throw it into a volcano, then throw the volcano into the sun.
  • I'm capable of so much less than what I'm doing right now
  • It's the thought that counts so this holiday I'm giving everyone really expensive thoughts.
  • Picking up this tiny piece of paper would take one second, but instead, I am going to vacuum over it 100 times at different angles
  • The grass is always greener under 600 Watt HPS grow lighting.
  • Maybe there'd be less crime in Gotham if Batman spent less than 7 hours a night crouched on top of a gargoyle overlooking the city. 
  • Kinda messed up that we humiliate these pine trees with flamboyant costumes as they die slow deaths near a terrifying fire
  • You better watch out, you better not cry, better not pout, I'm telling you why: you're 11 years old and you have an iPhone, you little shit.
  • Starting to regret not buying the house with the escape pod
  • It warms my heart when ugly people get engaged.
  • I don't even try to fold the fitted sheet correctly anymore. I just take it from the dryer and throw it in the fireplace.
  • If at first you don't succeed....join an angry mob and yell at the people who did
  • Watching me wrap presents is like watching a caveman do math or me do math
  • Trying to find a way to tell the lady next door that I want to hold her newborn for 20 min but that I'm not interested in being friends
  • Look at my "driving into the sun" face for a good weird out.
  • Find a bar's drink recipe book and add "+ owl urine" to each one.they wont notice
  • Must be hard being Batman sometimes. I mean, fighting a guy with the superpower to tell riddles? Wow. How does he do it?
  • Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Give a man a well placed strike to his L1 vertebrae and he’ll eat through a straw.
  • Every time someone emails me I feel like they are reaching into my soul & attacking me but every time I email someone I feel nothing

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