I can't make you like me if you don't. But I bet this gun can.

• That awkward moment when all the white people in the bar don't know if the song is "Ice Ice Baby" or "Under Pressure".
• It's' that time of year where commercials remind me I will never get a car with a bow on it and I have to crush the remote with my hand.
• My computer says it's set to an earlier time and date and may behave erratically. Apparently I am my computer's role model.
• I just sat there and let this mosquito bite me CZ I'm pretty sure I might've killed a relative of his earlier today.
• I just like knowing people want to have plans with me I don't need to actually have them.
• Few relationships have ever survived a conversation that began with "So, I've been thinking..."
• People didn't smile in photographs from the 1800's mostly because the taco pizza hadn't been invented yet.
• Has anyone told donkeys we call them asses? They’ll probably be pretty ticked
• Little strange they're called "traffic cops" and not "dick champions of the universe."
• Chivalry is not dead, I totally just killed a man with an authentic broadsword. Chivalry is murdering people with swords right?
• Found a needle in a haystack it was easy so I'm gonna try to get that expression removed from our lives (Applause) (Hand over heart & nod)
• There should be a "sleep in the car" option if you land on someone's hotel in Monopoly.
• I don't know how to use excel, but I know it's great for pretending to work when someone comes to your desk.
• If I say I don't like your phone & you bore me for 10 minutes about why I should, I probably won't like you either. So. Shhhh.
• Apparently, I'm to refrain from wearing a stethoscope I found at the nurse's station. This hospital is bullshit!!!!
•  I just opened a company that drops off rental cars for toothpaste.
• Either the world needs to wash its jacket, or I do
• Dec 16 1997 2:14 am. The exact moment I woke up spreading Nutella on my roof and the last time I ate an entire gingerbread house before bed.
• When a Jehovah's Witness comes to my door I give them a pamphlet about why I cry in front of mirrors & and flip out in parking lots
• After a lot of soul-searching, I’m pretty sure I lost my soul behind a couch in 1997.
• DQ cashier: Would you like vanilla or chocolate ice cream for your Chocolate Xtreme blizzard? Me: WHICHEVER ONE YOU THINK SEEMS FITTING.
• I'm not going to be thankful for anything between now and Thursday so I'm *super* thanks-horny at Thanksgiving dinner.
• Every car should also have a second, super gas light so you know when you actually need gas.
• I don't think these Expedia emails realize how infrequently I leave my house.
• "Toilet seat was left down again.... But I'll let that shit go" - Joey 2008
• How old were you when you found out Santa dresses up like your parents all year?
• It’s probably a bad sign if the words “steaming pile” appear more than once on a menu.
• It's weird how all the Muppets found one another.
• I will do anything that doesn't require doing anything.
• Has anything good ever come from naming someone Bernice?
• Do you start or end a cover letter with "I look forward to making you share your profits with me!"?
• Exactly how much more Nutella do I have to consume to fill up the hole where my soul is supposed to be?