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Monday, February 20, 2012

I have no time for women with skinny arms.

  • Please don't tell me I'm in for a treat unless you've got a rice crispie somewhere in the mix.
  • I got a new coat* I'm gonna wear it all day! *comforter
  • Um, this conversation is getting awkGUITAR SOLO
  • "I bet you're all warm and snuggly now. So warm and snuggly. Well you better not move a muscle because-" *ZAP* -fleece blankets
  • "don't worry the blood's not mine" was probably not the best way to respond to my doctor
  • What I need is a high voltage cattle prod disguised as a doorbell.
  • Take one jacket or sweatshirt, a handful of cookies, and a true lack of dignity, and YOU, TOO, can know the joy that is Snack Pockets.
  • I'm a belieber and there's no way I'm going to belieb that Justin belanged some belimbo and made a belaby.
  •  Every time I hang something on my rear view mirror, I think to myself "Does this make me look crazy or creative?" then I whisper "Who said that?"
  • Ever get mad at your great great great grandparents for not buying a town when they cost 30 cents?
  • Why did I build a shrine to you in my closet? Because you clicked "Like" on my status like a week ago. DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DON'T REMEMBER.
  • When you're parking on a hill, do you turn the wheels out or sit inside the car paralyzed with social anxiety until the party's over
  • Having a momma bear check out her kid bear's b-hole isn't gonna get me to buy your toilet paper, Charmin.
  • Dear everyone who just saw me lose my shit when a wasp flew into my car: normally you have to pay for a show like that. You're welcome.
  • My boss asked me to write up a summary of the meeting we just had, so I drew a picture of an hippo sticking a bagel in its butt.
  • How many more Jolly Ranchers do I have to eat off the ground before one of you steps in?
  • I don't care if you're being fake as long as you're pretending to like me.
  • Too bad you "don't have all day," because I do and I'm going to spend it pissing you off.
  • I've had a zit show up in the same place on my chin for 15 years. His name is Norman.
  • My dog is burning a tiny hole in the ozone above my house with his stinking ahole
  • I don't know what it means, but I officially now know the same number of people and dogs named Zoe.
  • I'm not rolling my eyes; they're jumping for joy because you're so interesting.
  • Closed eye talkers can get the F away from me thanks
  • The way a vacuum cleaner puts the fear of god into my dog is very similar to what a stray pube in a public bathroom can do to me.
  • I blew a red light* this morning because I'm a bad ass. *not on purpose
  • If I was a stripper, my stripper name would be Gladys. Just to mix it up.
  • Hey old people: hurry it up with the stories. I haven't got all day and let's be honest, you probably don't either.
  • What does the 'Shift' key on the right side do? Buy the other keys donuts?

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