I always just farted.

•  I'm protesting against politically active people by occupying my couch.
• "Take out the GARbage?! Take out the GARBAGE?! Bitch I just created you from my RIB 5 minutes ago." (Adam to Eve, Day 1)
• "Look, it's not you, it's me." — Eve (15 minutes after God created Adam)
• I bet the origin to the phrase, "When the shit hits the fan," is one heck of a story.
• Sometimes I dream about becoming a super hero. Other times the table buzzer goes off in my hand at Olive Garden and I panic and throw up.
• I'll wait until your back's turned before unleashing my arsenal of hexes and eye-rolling because that'll show you.
• "Knick knack paddy whack give the dog a bone" - someone who tried to take song writing seriously but then was like "Screw it, whatever."
• Accidentally bumped into a person at walmart. I guess the normal reaction ISN'T to scream incessantly and douse myself in Purell.
• Is swag when you eat all the baby corn at the sizzler salad bar?
• Thought about getting a hot dog from Dairy Queen but decided to just swallow hazardous waste from the biology lab instead.
• Instructions: 1. Eat candy until you are sick 2. Wish you didn't eat candy until you were sick 3. Repeat every time you have candy
• I bet Papa Smurf smurfed the smurf out of Smurfette and then smurfed on her face and made her smurf his smurf while she smurfed her smurf.
• Does this royal robe make the mall seem like a weird place for me to wear it?
• You'd think doing a hand stand in the shower would be the same as using a bidet but you would be horribly, horribly wrong.
• About to make this non-fat white chocolate triple-pump mocha my bitch.
• It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.
• Something something something something something...in the way she moves.
• Getting the tenth burrito for free after you buy nine is cool; but what if you got to murder someone instead?
• Halfway through the movie, you discover that Grandpa is a witch. (tip for improving basically every movie)
• If you live in my neighborhood and you saw me on one of your family vacations, I probably got there by holding on to the bottom of your car
• "Goat cheese" sounds like something you'd do to your friends when they pass out drunk.
• Want to get in the best shape of your life? Contort your body so you cast a penguin-shaped shadow on the wall. What's better than that?!
• I'm not laughing AT you, I'm laughing WITH other people at you.
• I want my tombstone to have three different sets of dates so people think I've come back from the dead before & will likely do it again.