God bless us, some of us.

1. If there's ever a fantasy "eating stuff I find in your fridge" league, you're gonna want me on your team.
2. Sharks act cool, but they're super illiterate.
3. The true meaning of Christmas isn't about receiving material things, it's about spending time with family and receiving money.
4. I'm sorry but I don't feel safe in a world where you can't edit texts and emails after you've sent them.
5. The way I took off my coat while driving just got me free handicap parking for life.
6. I want to fart in a microphone.
7. I bet houseplants are wondering why they haven't been decorated.
8. Ate an entire bag of mini powdered donuts but I wrote "DIET" in black marker across the label so it's okay
9. "Put a live flashbang in Robin's Christmas stocking. Kid's gotta learn danger and semi-permanent hearing loss can strike at any moment" -batman
10. The best way to prepare cauliflower is by throwing it in the trash while ordering a delicious pizza.
11. If you melt cheese over some coupons and have a good imagination, you can have an amazing meal on the cheap!
12. Good luck eating your dinner with a crossbow.
13. I Play it down but the fact is, I can eat quite a bit of beef jerky before I have to pull over and throw up in a gas station restroom.
14. Step 1: Watch "The Santa Clause" and realize by killing Santa YOU become Santa Step 2: Kill a Mall Santa Step 3: PRISON
15. What's the rule for when you can't see a posted speed limit? Just have fun with it?
16. I'll probably just wait for the sequel: "We Were Eaten by Tigers at our Zoo".
17. Make sure your bathroom is comfortable, you never know how long you and your fake diarrhea might have to live in there.
18. Do all tigers wear a neckerchief, or is that just Tony's thing?
19. Why would I dance like nobody's watching? People need to see this.
20. Mom: "Do you want this?" Me: "No." Mom: "Ok I'll give it to your brother." Me: "No I want it."
21. Humans have legs so that if dinosaurs come back they can use us as neck ties for their important meetings. Also, jump kicks.
22. Why buy the peppermint bark when you can create a peppermint dog in your highly illegal flavor lab?
23. According to the blood spatter on my mood ring, my mood is "just murdered someone"!
24. 1. Print pictures of Tom Cruise 2. Use scissors to cut out his teeth 3. Throw teeth in air 4. Enjoy white Christmas