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Monday, February 20, 2012

All of the food in my fridge is on my to-poo list.

  • Why even bother printing the names on name tags? They should all just say ‘Kill Me Now’
  • I woke up before my alarm this morning. I don't even have to be to work until January 9.
  • Victoria's Secret is that her panties are lined with ground turkey.
  • Does anyone want to start up a volleyball team w/me? And by volleyball team, I mean a group of people who eat Twix bars & scream swear words
  • I'll have the chicken salad without the chicken and instead of lettuce I'll have a cheeseburger.
  • I have a tiny cut of the tip of my thumb on my right hand (right handed). So needless to say I want to... Kill. Everyone. Now.
  • Raise your hand if you've ever lost your keys. Keep your hand up for 2 hours. Eat 4 pears. Become a lion. Lie down. Drool. Thank you.
  • I bet zoos are going to be flying off the shelves this holiday season.
  • I give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, just ask 'Loves Abortions Brenda' or 'Eats Her Feelings Julie'.
  • There should be a Yankee Candle scent called "Lazy Gift."
  • Pretty cool how MC Hammer found pants big enough to accommodate all the dead pigeons he kept in his pockets.
  • Prank: order a pizza to IKEA and when the pizza guy is wandering around trying to find who ordered it, kill everyone with an assault rifle.
  • Six-minute argument with my dog about saltwater taffy.
  • Probably should have gotten rid of the body before I turned that coffin into an aquarium. Live and learn I guess.
  • If a promiscuous basketball player with a rape charge can't make marriage work, what chance do the rest of us have.
  • According to the stench in this place, everyone is mailing their loved ones giant boxes of poop this Christmas.
  • I'm leaving town for two weeks, but good luck burglarizing my house. I packed every one of my coolest shirts.
  • Good morning ladies and gentlemen. *TAP TAP* HELLO? Are we on the air? Hello? Hey come on guys my mic is off!!

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