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Monday, February 27, 2012

All of your missing socks somehow end up in my dryer.

  •  I have lots of marketable skills as long as you're in the market for someone who loves cheese and is easily startled.
  • When life hands you lemons, why is there feces on the wall? And blood? Aaaaaaiiiiieeeeeeeee!
  • Sometimes I get nervous because I don't feel nervous, & then that reminds me to be nervous.
  • Double meanings upset me. As do single meanings quite frankly.
  • I attend Anger Management meetings and introduce myself as Ruth Banner.
  • I feel like if I ever actually got a lightsaber I would just end up using it to cut cheese a lot.
  • Saw an adult man wearing a "I do my own stunts" t-shirt. So I pushed him down some stairs.
  • McDonald's forgot my napkins but I'm sure the new staff won't forget when they look at the McDonald's napkin massacre of 2011 memorial wall.
  •  I don't wanna sound all boasty or anything, but I am, BY FAR, the drunkest girl in this tree.
  • Every once in a while I eat a small bag of Doritos to remind myself how bland and flavorless everything else I eat is
  • Are you there god? it's me fartgret

    •  Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.
    • Oh GREAT I just found out bees have feelings now I have to go around living with that all day
    • This booger is cool enough to tell everyone about, but juuust gross enough to lose friends over if I send them pictures.
    • My favorite part in "Pretty in Pink" is when she doesn't go to the prom, stays home with her five cats, and watches "Pretty in Pink".
    • Hang on, cabs are yellow to remind us we're allowed to pee in them, right?
    • Fruit bats are not as delicious as their name would imply.
    • Park Rangers creep me out, it's like they want you to know - that they know - where a dead body will never be found. Also, their outfits.
    • "It's nothing. Forget I said anything." - Me about 5 minutes before hell is unleashed upon the Earth.
    • We could make a Jean jacket for a cricket if we wanted to. It's no big whoop.
    • If a stupid dog stares at me too long I show it my middle finger which happens to have peanut butter on it aww I love dogs
    • Just put something back where I found it this adulthood shit is EXHAUSTING
    • I have an in


      • The first question aliens will ask our leaders is why that peanut is wearing a top hat and monocle
      • Don't make me make you make me make you do something because I get confused easily.
      • I wonder if people in China call their crappy plates their "America collection."
      • "Cool, I love candles. What's with the knives? Wait, stop. Please stop!" - pumpkin
      • Isn't life peachy? (nice, but covered in a yucky fuzz).
      • Crunchy peanut butter was a delicious result from someone not giving a shit about their job.
      • I am graceful & elegant until I'm in the vicinity of a box of chicken in a biskit crackers & then it's full speed white trash ahead
      • It's about the journey, not the destination unless the destination is super fun like Disneyland or a trampoline.
      • Oklahoma is OK in my book. My book of state initials.
      • If I sleep without any sort of blanket on me, I'm SURE to be murdered in the night.
      • Sometimes I like your status because I like it, other times I'm just killing a bug that's landed on my phone screen. Either way, you're welcome
      I lost fifty pounds in two weeks by lying!
      • I switched it up and wore a sports bra to work. This is great, best decision I made all day. Second best was pooping before work.
      • A small salad from Cheesecake Factory is big enough to feed a family of four for a week or me for 20 minutes.
      • I'm a big fan of eggs but not my own cuz they're made out of god's anger and my mother's poor decisions
      • At the ripe old age of 900, in a universe inhabited by thousands of alien races, I bet Yoda had some pretty racist shit to say.
      • Sneezing towards a fan is a suicide attempt.
      • When I feel cocky I just remind myself that 90% of my passwords are "password".
      • The best part of watching the last Harry Potter movie with my son was waiting until the end and whispering to him "Childhood's over bro".
      • Don't tell people you're free as a bird unless you're comfortable taking shits on strangers' cars.
      • You are not rich till you own an entire drawer of matching socks, & some of them have to be cashmere. REMEMBER THAT PEOPLE!
      • I've always thought that "Nothing worth having ever comes easy" but then Easy-Mac was invented and shook my whole belief system to the core.
      • If the Mentalist was as good as he claimed, he could make me watch that shitty show.
      • I swear, half of my rage is rooted in opening packaging.
      • By now, I bet Dolly Parton's boobs look like two wrinkly water balloons filled with wet cement.
      • Gosh darn all you people with filthy mouths straight to heck! You're all a bunch of frickin' sons of biscuits. Seriously, what the fun?
      • Turns out we've been spelling "teenager" wrong this whole time. It's more accurately spelled "teenanger".
      • You can put your shirts back on now, Red Hot Chili Peppers.
      • Survival of the fittest? Uh, apparently you haven't been down to the mall lately. Theory debunked.
      • The internet does a great job at distracting me away from the the thing I was just distracted by on the internet.
      explicable pain in my left hip. So this is probably goodbye.

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