All of your missing socks somehow end up in my dryer.

•  I have lots of marketable skills as long as you're in the market for someone who loves cheese and is easily startled.
• When life hands you lemons, why is there feces on the wall? And blood? Aaaaaaiiiiieeeeeeeee!
• Sometimes I get nervous because I don't feel nervous, & then that reminds me to be nervous.
• Double meanings upset me. As do single meanings quite frankly.
• I attend Anger Management meetings and introduce myself as Ruth Banner.
• I feel like if I ever actually got a lightsaber I would just end up using it to cut cheese a lot.
• Saw an adult man wearing a "I do my own stunts" t-shirt. So I pushed him down some stairs.
• McDonald's forgot my napkins but I'm sure the new staff won't forget when they look at the McDonald's napkin massacre of 2011 memorial wall.
•  I don't wanna sound all boasty or anything, but I am, BY FAR, the drunkest girl in this tree.
• Every once in a while I eat a small bag of Doritos to remind myself how bland and flavorless everything else I eat is

• Are you there god? it's me fartgret

  
  
  •  Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.
  • Oh GREAT I just found out bees have feelings now I have to go around living with that all day
  • This booger is cool enough to tell everyone about, but juuust gross enough to lose friends over if I send them pictures.
  • My favorite part in "Pretty in Pink" is when she doesn't go to the prom, stays home with her five cats, and watches "Pretty in Pink".
  • Hang on, cabs are yellow to remind us we're allowed to pee in them, right?
  • Fruit bats are not as delicious as their name would imply.
  • Park Rangers creep me out, it's like they want you to know - that they know - where a dead body will never be found. Also, their outfits.
  • "It's nothing. Forget I said anything." - Me about 5 minutes before hell is unleashed upon the Earth.
  • We could make a Jean jacket for a cricket if we wanted to. It's no big whoop.
  • If a stupid dog stares at me too long I show it my middle finger which happens to have peanut butter on it aww I love dogs
  • Just put something back where I found it this adulthood shit is EXHAUSTING
  • I have an in

    LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER

    • The first question aliens will ask our leaders is why that peanut is wearing a top hat and monocle
    • Don't make me make you make me make you do something because I get confused easily.
    • I wonder if people in China call their crappy plates their "America collection."
    • "Cool, I love candles. What's with the knives? Wait, stop. Please stop!" - pumpkin
    • Isn't life peachy? (nice, but covered in a yucky fuzz).
    • Crunchy peanut butter was a delicious result from someone not giving a shit about their job.
    • I am graceful & elegant until I'm in the vicinity of a box of chicken in a biskit crackers & then it's full speed white trash ahead
    • It's about the journey, not the destination unless the destination is super fun like Disneyland or a trampoline.
    • Oklahoma is OK in my book. My book of state initials.
    • If I sleep without any sort of blanket on me, I'm SURE to be murdered in the night.
    • Sometimes I like your status because I like it, other times I'm just killing a bug that's landed on my phone screen. Either way, you're welcome

    I lost fifty pounds in two weeks by lying!
    • I switched it up and wore a sports bra to work. This is great, best decision I made all day. Second best was pooping before work.
    • A small salad from Cheesecake Factory is big enough to feed a family of four for a week or me for 20 minutes.
    • I'm a big fan of eggs but not my own cuz they're made out of god's anger and my mother's poor decisions
    • At the ripe old age of 900, in a universe inhabited by thousands of alien races, I bet Yoda had some pretty racist shit to say.
    • Sneezing towards a fan is a suicide attempt.
    • When I feel cocky I just remind myself that 90% of my passwords are "password".
    • The best part of watching the last Harry Potter movie with my son was waiting until the end and whispering to him "Childhood's over bro".
    • Don't tell people you're free as a bird unless you're comfortable taking shits on strangers' cars.
    • You are not rich till you own an entire drawer of matching socks, & some of them have to be cashmere. REMEMBER THAT PEOPLE!
    • I've always thought that "Nothing worth having ever comes easy" but then Easy-Mac was invented and shook my whole belief system to the core.
    • If the Mentalist was as good as he claimed, he could make me watch that shitty show.
    • I swear, half of my rage is rooted in opening packaging.
    • By now, I bet Dolly Parton's boobs look like two wrinkly water balloons filled with wet cement.
    • Gosh darn all you people with filthy mouths straight to heck! You're all a bunch of frickin' sons of biscuits. Seriously, what the fun?
    • Turns out we've been spelling "teenager" wrong this whole time. It's more accurately spelled "teenanger".
    • You can put your shirts back on now, Red Hot Chili Peppers.
    • Survival of the fittest? Uh, apparently you haven't been down to the mall lately. Theory debunked.
    • The internet does a great job at distracting me away from the the thing I was just distracted by on the internet.
    explicable pain in my left hip. So this is probably goodbye.
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