Don't poop your pants this weekend.

1. Kill them with kindness! Or a hammer.
2. I'm taking a picture of all my animals in a bathtub and sending it to Mountain Dew because Christmas traditions are important to me
3. If you fall asleep on a yoga mat you're not lazy you're me and you're WONDERFUL
4. My shower has two temperatures: 'shampoo bottle microphone' and 'vacant stare.'
5. Mad cows why are you so mad you don't even have to have a job you are a cow
6. I'm green in the way that I'll run my air conditioner to offset the heat put out by my enormous television.
7. I won't regret my tattoos when I'm 80 because I'll be 80 and gross.
8. The extra fork in the takeout bag is for your sad.
9. I'd push an entire family down a set of stairs. You don't even have to give me the Klondike bar. I'll just do that shit.
10. Can someone tell these teenaged dudes that no girl is going to date them if they wear those stupid Cookie Monster hats?
11. Tortillas are cool because I love food but I also have a strong interest in tiny blankets
12. If I see you stringing popcorn on your tree, I'm bringing a movie and eating it.
13. I will do ANYTHING for my friends ANYTIME during a commercial
14. We built this city on rock n roll, bits of hair, couple of pieces of carpet we found. It's a horrible place to live honestly.
15. I've never met a woman with sideburns who didn't deserve them
16. "Wear tops that are comfortable enough to both sleep and run errands in and pants that make your ass look like a mystery" - my fashion blog.
17. IT's' okay to kick people's barstools out from under them as long as you yell "JENGA" before they hit the floor.
18. I forgot to tell you there was a woman who smelled like funnel cakes next to me in a store today ok good talk