Any smile lines I have are strictly from farting.

• This morning I tried to sneeze with a mouthful of Listerine without spitting it out, which is why I shouldn't make my own decisions.
• Let's hope the fate of the world never depends on me hammering a nail in straight.
• Everything is so fascinating when I'm avoiding eye contact.
• I like bluegrass but I prefer to call it smurfin' turf.
• A man buying three enemas was giving me life advice. I will listen to him forever.
• Slowly and systematically pouring my paychecks into overpriced neon sweatshirts.
• A stranger just said "you're welcome." I don't have a lot going on maybe I'll hold him to it forever.
• Bike rack on your car? Weak. I put a bike rack on my bike to carry more bikes with my bike. Call me when you're ready to actually get sporty
• My ex recently came down with a bad case of being murdered
• I wonder if it's still rock and roll to Billy Joel because it's whiny queef rock to me.
• Hey Home Shopping Network: We have the Internet now.
• I hope no one tapes me to a toilet!!
• I may not be the voice of my generation but I speak for 43% of my rubber ducks.
• Uh nobody dies not alone, retards.
• "You know what? He's gonna need a place to put that." - God. Right before he created Eve.
• The hardest work I've done all day is holding in this fart.

• Nobody looks sexy playing the tuba.

  • It's almost like some security cameras are set up simply to show the world that I'll pee just about anywhere.
  • Math will totally make you look like a slut. Example: You're a 25 year old mother of a 9th grader.
  • Every time I wake up not handcuffed to a taco truck, I know I could've made better choices.
  • Hysterical strength is what you get when you have to lift a car off a baby or get the lid off a frosting can when Law & Order is starting.
  • I'm super good at cuddling. And being silent when I move. And being nearly invisible in the dark. And climbing fences. And picking locks.
  • My answering machine message: "I have caller ID, please don't leave a message, I will not be returning your call." No beep, just a foghorn.
  • Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
  • I hope you won't mind if I stare toward your house at dusk in an expressionless porcelain mask.
  • I'd marry ANY wizard.Even evil Slytherins or retarded Hufflepuffs.
  • Who wants to guess what Lady Gaga is going to wear? My guess is a Saran Wrap dress with a birdcage hat with live birds! hmm I should call and let her know she can borrow mine :)
  • Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I'll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
  • So weird how the Magic School Bus never took a journey to the inside of a sock and showed us why they stink and stuff.
  • I like to think in some parallel universe I'm break dancing on a cardboard box right now.

  • I can't keep your secret. Don't tell me anything.

    •  My walk of shame is from the ice cream truck to my illegally-parked car.
    • Can the world be made of mattresses and we just lie down everywhere and roll-around places?
    • I just want people to accept me for who I pretend to be.
    • Oh, really, officer? You say *everybody* has to stop at the red light? That smacks of socialism. Are you a socialist? Hmm? Is that a taser?
    • I read a book today and by read I mean stole and by book I mean unguarded sandwich
    • I discovered a comet so I get to name it after my uncle. You should be able to see "Ass-sexy McRapewhistle's Comet" fly over on Sept 4 2012.
    • I call dibs on everything, ever. Sorry, it's out of my hands now. I'll be by to pick up all of your stuff later. Or MY stuff, rather.
    • I'm never more focused than when I'm trying not to smell 4 day old leftovers I'm putting down the garbage disposal.
    •  I WASN'T NOMINATED FOR BEST ANYTHING AT ALL EVER PREPARE TO FEEL MY WRATH
    • I'm not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It's a group effort, bears.
    • "Chile con Carne" is a flavor of jellybean I'd be all "ew" about then secretly buy an entire box of.
    • Hopefully now everyone can get back to caring about how my lower back feels today. (A bit ouchy.)
    • I know for a fact that if I could French braid my own hair I would be a much happier person. Any sane female would agree.
    • Why is someone cooing "there, there" supposed to be comforting? What's where?
    • When someone calls "Shotgun!" before me, I shoot them in the head with a shotgun.
    • I hate Menthol cigarettes, but if you give me a Camel Crush, I'm popping that ball like it was a hymen at a post-prom party.
    • My dog’s online dating ad would probably read: “Must be fluffy and enjoy rolling in pee. Threesomes welcome. No puggles.”
    • According to my calorie intake, I just need to be on the treadmill for 3 years today.