No more presidents till we finish the one on our plate.

• Look I'm not saying I ended up high at costco but maybe I did
• I cleaned my room & now I can't find my ring :< please send me pictures of fat animals thx very much
• I hate that my neighbor always calls the cops whenever I try to find out how much of my stuff is bullet-proof.
• Eat Pringles like nobody's watching. Or listening. Or thinking about you. Or wondering if you're okay. Or calling.
• Dear Diary, Why don't cows smell like leather? I should remind my friends that corn on the cob stays the same in their poop. I love things.
• I heard that purgatory is just a room full of teenage girls blogging and rolling their eyes at you.
• EVERYBODY JUST CALM DOWN! Where are my pants?
• I'd love to see a video montage of every single time I've tried to find something at the bottom of my purse.
• I'm so excited for autumn this year, I just want to cut some leaves out of construction paper and glue-stick them to a big chunky sweater.
• "It'll be a small wedding, nothing fancy," I happily told the cashier, as we both stared at the diamond ring on my finger, drawn in red pen.
• No one spoil the ending, I haven't finished the iTunes user agreement yet!!
• If the restaurant is a "roadhouse", someone better be standing by to roundhouse kick the food out of my mouth.
• Want to see something amazing? Go in to a nerdy movie memorabilia store and say aloud, 'Technically, Vampires are a type of zombie.'
• Its gonna take all night to sew the legs back onto my jean shorts. I hate winter.

Every time a bell rings, I pull the wings off a dove.

•  As far as I'm concerned, Autocorrect can plucking kiss my buttonhole.
• My walk of shame usually involves a lot high fiving of strangers and a drawn out musical number.
• I'm good at taking pics of crazy people in public. I'm bad at turning off the flash & shutter sound while taking pics of crazy people in public.
• "I'll scratch your eyes out if you touch me and it will be adorable." -- Squirrels
• Anybody ever have the wasabi peas from Trader Joe's? Great, right? Any idea on the best way to get one or two out of your nose?
• Hey people that use a Z instead of an S at the end of words. I do that too. WTF is your and/or my problem?
• Call your newborn baby "Henry" if you want him to skip straight to age fifty.
• Can you believe tigers have never used the Internet
• If you want to turn me on, flash me a bag of cookies.
• I can't sleep if my bedroom door is open. Because murderers think "Oh, MAN. Her door's closed. Guess I won't kill her."
• Blues musicians never talk about that time they found fifty bucks and bought pants and a bunch of tacos.
• My name is Rio and I'm dancing on my desk and why's everyone looking at me weird it's Friday lighten up Jesus who called security you jerks
• OH SHIT MY TAMAGOTCHI
• "No, I do not want your affection. I have to run frantically so I can go lay casually on the kitchen floor. Hold me." -Cats/sorority girls
•  I hope I don't die as a result of something terrible like murder or old age.
• Still sore from holding my duck face for 20 minutes because there was a hot guy at the store..
• The guy across the room is so attractive that now I'm trapped in an imaginary slow-motion hug/spin on a beach at sunset.
• Just sitting here at my day job trying not to think about glitter.
• • I don't care if Adele ate Whitney Houston. She sounds amazing.
  • The aging process can be quite lonely, that's why it's important to remind seniors that they're gross and we don't ever want them around us.
  • I would probably be a more intelligent individual if I didn't have all of these Ricky Martin lyrics taking up brain space.
  • If you put your Cheez-It snack mix next to me, say adios to your rice balls!
  • If you live next to potheads & hate the smell of smoke, run into their place with a Chainsaw & cut up their couch. They get so freaked out.
  • Don't be afraid of change! I manically yelled as I beat my coworker with a sock full of nickels.
  • My kids are so self-involved, it's like they don't even care about what I'm going through.
  • I'm about to HAUNT YOUR DICKS OFF. —My suicide note
  • FASHION TIP: Bad hair day? Pull attention away from your head by drawing a penis on your boss's door.
  • Just used a stamp to mail something just like the pilgrams!
  • Do people know we hate them?
  • Don't play Concentration with Samuel L. Jackson. He shoots the board & yells, "I'M SORRY. DID I BREAK YOUR CONCENTRATION" when he loses.
  • There's no waiting in line for shitting in your pants.
  • I always help people with the hood of their car up on the side of the road as long as all they need is windshield washer fluid.
  • Look, if I smile at you, it doesn't necessarily mean I want to sleep with you... But it might, so check with me later.
  • Watching couples fight is my Christmas morning.
  • Stop hopping on the cement, grasshopper! Know your place!
  • Hey people who know each other in real life you know you can just text instead of @ replying right I don't care where you're going for lunch
  • I am going to purchase and eat cake now. Unless a cute boy reads this. Then I am off to eat one grain of rice before naked yoga practice.
  • If you can't say a sentence without half the words being "umm" or "like," then I've probably imagined slitting your throat a few times.

Poop is just zombie food

•  I've never left the house for a party and NOT felt like Wednesday Addams...
• Dunkin' Donuts won't deliver even after you call them six times and ask but maybe the seventh time will work BRB.
• If you love someone, set them free. Or marry them and make them your personal whipping post for the rest of your life. Either way.
• If it doesn't show how many times a person farted in that car, then the Carfax report isn't that accurate.
• Dropping my phone on my face while lying in bed is the closest I'll come to being in a Fight Club.
• Making homemade apple pies like your moonshine guzzlin' granny.
• If you're going to park in the middle of my street I just need you to act a little sorry. You don't have to marry me but like, be sorry.
• Look, you can put guides on eyeshadow all you want. I'm still gonna look like I went 2 rounds with Tyson when I try to smoke out my eyes.
• Having a mouth makes it kind of difficult not to eat every snack I can find in your house.
• Sure, I could change the dying batteries in my TV's remote, but then what would test the limits of my sanity for the next week and a half?
• I would rather have my small intestine removed with a pitchfork than pick you up at the airport.
• When a gay Care Bear pukes glittery rainbows through a kaleidoscope made out of douchebags and hair gel, another Ed Hardy shirt is born.
• I can't believe it's 2011 and Hot Topic STILL doesn't have a pharmacy.
• If this guy doesn't stop tailgating me, I'm going to stop in the middle of the freeway and start barbecuing.
• How would I know I wouldn't like my yard filled with baby pigs? I'm not a goddamn mind reader.
• As far as I can tell, the goal of "The Sims" is to gather as many new friends together as you can and then take a big dump in front of them.
• Fall simply can't wait to take you out back and cover you in cardigans.
• Call me old-fashioned but I still appreciate receiving a hand-written letter chiseled in stone.
• It turns out the so-called "Greatest Generation" hasn't embraced sticking your tongue out between two fingers as a sign of peace at church.
• DIAMONDS MAKE YOU LOOK OLD. There, I said it.
• Oh, you're helping people in Tanzania? Well sometimes I don't get to have coffee until 10am...I guess we both know a thing about suffering.
• Having a tough time finding people to help me with my Human Centipede costume this year.... :(

• If your breath is stinky your a skunk whisperer.

  
  

I am wearing pants :(

•  Whenever I go to a fancy restaurant when I'm leaving I throw confetti to show them I can be fancy too
• GUESS WHO’S GOING TO BE ON THE JANUARY COVER OF PEOPLE??? Yeah, I don’t know either, but she’s probably attractive or something and whatever.
• Wait. Hold on. So you're telling me you're not using that towel to handle the plate of sizzling fajitas because it's really cold??
• Being a kid with a lazy eye would raise a lot of questions like, "why don't you love me?" or "what do I get a frog for father's day?"
• "You have no one to blame but yourself." - dangerously close to being murdered person
• It's always shocking to me that when I push through not wanting to workout that I don't instantly become a supermodel.
• Pooping in the dark, with the soft glow coming off of my Air Wick  plug-in air freshener, is probably the most romantic thing I do with myself.
• Any room can be a panic room if you suddenly remember middle school
• Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you're in an argument, you'll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
• I just want to be successful enough to have a lineup of servants that send me off every day. I don't think that's so much to ask.
• "Roses are grey, violets are grey, cars are grey, red is grey, all this shit is just grey"-guy failing a color blind test.
• Do you have to get a permit to have a pet monkey or just be able to sneak it out of the zoo & past your family?
• Just learned how to apply a smoky bacon eye I look delicious
• Ok so I dumped the tide powder all over my bed, how long do I wait to hose it down? I gotta go to bed soon.
• I'll rock back on my chair's back legs because I'm a badass who doesn't remember how she fell off her chair 20 minutes ago.
• McDonalds just started their Monopoly game again with an increased 1 in 4 chance of winning a prize/obesity/explosive diarrhea!
• Thinking of bringing a bucket of Coronas to work tomorrow so my co-workers will shut the F up and zone out.
• Oh my favorite part of spin class that's easy its sweating exactly the right way to make it look like I've peed my pants as I leave the gym
• A lot of single women either want a baby or a puppy so I'm launching a new line of vending machines. Lemme know if you wanna be an investor.

911 annv with peace and love

Ten years ago today, some normal-sized people hijacked some normal-sized planes and flew them into the Twin Towers in New York City, two of the tallest buildings in the United States of America, and killed nearly three thousand people. They killed thousands of people, and they psychologically killed thousands of others and ushered in an age of broken America and they made the date 9/11 into something more than it ever should be. It should be some lame day in mid-September where a lame kid complains about going back to some lame school. Instead, it’s an anniversary.

How many is 3,000? I guess I know the answer to that. It’s a little more than 2,994 and much less than 2,498,670,210,952. But realistically, my brain can’t comprehend more than about 322. That’s how many kids could fit in my high school auditorium, where my friend and I once did an interpretative dance as Hitler for a class final (we got an A; suck it, Hitler). I can’t estimate. If I had to guess, I would say there are exactly 100 sites on the Internet. So the tragedy that is 9/11 (or the Holocaust, or Darfur, or…) is too big for my small brain. And there’s a special subset of suburban guilt reserved for the inability to comprehend a horror.

Part of the reason that I can’t make myself feel the grotesque grandeur of 9/11 is that I’ve never been in a tragedy. I’ve experienced bad, but I’ve never experienced tragic in the epic, transformative, Greek sense of the word. Tragedy is like a branding iron. Everyone who lives through it becomes a product of that tragedy. You realize you’re just a slab of meat. You might continue living your life in a fairly normal straight line, but that tragedy knows to whom you belong. You have its smoldering mark on your body.

I’ve never been disfigured by tragedy, but I have felt joy. Transformative joy. Whatever the opposite of 9/11 is, I have felt that. I have experienced the not-small miracle of being able to do what I love. I am healthy enough that I don’t think about how healthy I am.

I can’t think of a better day to speak directly to my “demographic” – skinny 18-to-34-year-olds and spam bots. I am talking to YOU right now,Facebookers, Tweeters and Tumblrers and Bloggers and whatever the HECK else portmanteaus we can whip up while sitting in ironic coffee shops ironically listening to Spotify. We are coming of age in a culture not of un-enjoyment, but of anti-enjoyment. Passion is not just superfluous – passion is weakness. If you like things, you might like the wrong things, and then you’re WRONG with a capital “DOUBLE-U” with a capital “D”, and then you’re BAD and ugly and FAT and SUPER FAT. The Internet can’t figure out whether it wants to beatify things or damn them, so it just gets all sorts of contentious. Contention on the Internet is silly in the worst sense of the word. Personally, I hate confrontation. I like to think of myself as a sickly Victorian child, or a maybe a sickly geisha. Very demure and easily persuaded and sickly. If the Internet is a super highway, we all have road rage.

To participate in this chic backlash against passion is to have a small mind. In my humble, unimportant, normal-sized opinion, it is better to have a small BRAIN than a small MIND. If you have a small brain, you can still be a good, kind, hard-working, dumb person who can manage some sort of farm or daycare. If you have a small mind, however, you very well might hurt people with it. You are just getting a sliver of the delicious Bacon, Ham, & Cheese Lean Pocket that is being young in America.

Spending your youthful energy on combative, kinetic apathy is a waste. Stuff is AWESOME, GUYS. Something about everything is awesome. Because I live in  CA, USA and not other places in the world, I get to write things like “fuck fuck FUCK fuck fuck FUCK” on the Internet (the title of my next blog post). I can condemn Burkas while comfortably wearing a Snuggie (a gateway Burka). I can do an interpretative dance as Hitler for 322 people (suck it, Hitler). I can do whatever I want (sort of) and I can eat whatever I want (not carbs) and be the opposite of dead.

The people who, ten years ago today, flew those planes into the sides of two of the tallest buildings in America had minds that were even smaller than mine (and possibly yours, if you’re wearing a shirt from Threadless Tees). Their worldview was so closed to interpretation that they thought the only answer was a large-scale terrorist attack. I’m not saying Hipsters are Terrorists (though that is a very funny sentiment that I never thought I’d get the chance to write). I am saying that closing your mind to sincerity and praise and appreciation might be the first step in squandering the fucking awesome human condition you possess. Please do not close your mind to the not-small epiphany that epic joy exists.

Please, PLEASE feel free to completely disregard and disagree with and disJimBelushi (I made that word up, because I CAN, IN AMERICA) this essay. Why should you listen to me, when I’m forehead-deep in the disaffected goo that is my generation? I’m sitting in a hipster coffee shop in Carmichael, a living, breathing, self-important, self-hating cliché. My caveat is, I sort of wrote this for myself. I want to read this diary entry in one more year, or ten more years, or three-hundred-and-twenty-two more years, and see how wonderful and confusing it is to be happy and young in the face of slaughter.

If you are reading this, you are not dead. I myself happen to be very not dead. I’m giddy and sleepy and fighting the need to pee and listening to one of my favorite songs (“True” by Spandau Ballet) and physically not dead. I make enough money to waste it. I’m spoiled enough to be addicted to the culture of coffee. I wear rainbow sunglasses every day. I have a crush on 40% of the men I know. Jesus, this is awesome. I want to be not dead every day of my life.

I love life and I love NY and I love America and I love being not dead. Happy anniversary(s). Here’s to one and ten more.

my cat chelstons diary

• Don't tell my Mom, but I know these mice aren't real. I will destroy the evil bell in that ball, though...
• I wouldn't necessarily call myself a "foodie," but how delicious is mashed-up wet food!?
• Rescued my Mom from a spider this morning. No biggie.
• Mom only gave me 278 kisses today. Should I be worried?
• To do: Drop mouse in water dish, meow back at snoopy across the way, lick paw, nap.
• Cats rule and dogs drool - NOT! I actually have a few dog friends. They're not that bad, guys!
• Trying to find a nice way to tell my mom that my name's not "snuggy buggy," & she needs to ease up on trying to "eat my wittle fasche."
• If only Mom would look at me the same way she looks at her Lean Pockets lol
• •  Knocked over a vase of lilies lmao
  • Mom came home early tonight to snuggle with her "baby." Uh, Mom, I'm 10 months old
  • Mom keeps trying to put a bow tie on me. It's like, MOM! Jeez!
  • Got poop stuck to my leg fur.
  • I can't stop purring! LOL JK FML!
  • Spilled Mom's latte this morning. What's a latte?
  • Don't. Trust. Frogs.
  • MOM! My name is NOT Captain Meow Meow Pants!
  • Found Mom's diary. Would never read it, but if I did, & had to describe it in one word, I'd say DRAMATIC MUCH? Lol
  • Puked on the floor at 4am. Mom was jealous
  • Mom just choked on a grape. Classic Mom
  • Pooped on the floor lol
  • Mom let me have chicken this morning!!!!!!!!!!!! CHICKEN CHICKEN CHICKEN CHICKEN CHICKEN CHICKEN CHICKEN CHICKEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Changing my FB status to "In a Relationship"... With my butt
  • Woke Mom up at 4am lol
  • Mom nearly kissed me to death. TO DEATH
  • Spring cleaning my butt
  • Mom's sleepy but I'm going ape shit with my toys
  • Mom says I "could not be more handsome if I tried," but I'm still gonna try (Personal hygiene and appearance are pretty important to me).
  • • Mom says we're doing a photo shoot for a calendar. I'm not even a firefighter
    • Can someone help me open a bottle of wine? I want to surprise Mom when she gets home!
    • Mom's drinking alone, again lol
    • Woke Mom up 5 times last night & now she looks like a sad clown face lmao
    • Mom said I'm even more handsome than Tom Brady & I was like WHAAAAAA?
    • Got worms in my bum.
    • Spit out my worm meds lol
    • Mom kisses weird 
    • Mom says it's against the law to be so handsome. I don't want to get arrested Im so frightened
    • We need a channel that plays kitten videos. All kittens, all the time. When shit gets intense, turn on the kittens.
    • Mom says I smell so good that if she bottled up my scent she'd be a zillionaire
    • Happy HUMP day jk I'm fixed
    • Mom says I'm out of control. Out of control HANDSOME lol
    • Mom's all "Where's my Dawson DVDs?" & I'm all "Don't look at me! I can't even work the DVD player"
    • Mom keeps saying she needs to find me a Daddy. What's a Daddy? Some kind of new wet food? 
    • Weighed in at 11 lbs. this morning. Mom's jealous
    • Birds are weirdos lol

Let's eat flamingos!

•  LOOK I'M SORRY I COMMENTED ON YOUR STATUS I FORGOT HOW STUPID YOUR FRIENDS ARE
• Just saw a cloud in the shape of a person shaped like a cloud.
• Watching Rod Stewart slowly turn into and old leather chair that nobody wants has been a small victory in my troubled life.
• If you deliver a package at my house past 6pm you are either in love with me or want me dead.
• How am I supposed to believe in a bright future when we can't even find a cure for freckles?
• "I like painting!!!" —Me, in a fancy art gallery pointing at a painting.
• If I had only one wish, I would wish for world peace for me.
• Sometimes a cat stops, looks at his shadow, and whispers, "Yep. Still Batman."
• I'd understand getting a ticket for not coming to a complete stop if every murder ever was solved.
• Wanna see me do a really half-assed job? Watch me fold a fitted sheet.
• People say I can't take a joke but I make fun of myself all the time. I'm such a silly little pretty goose!
• No I don't want a phone call officer. I'd like to update my Facebook status.
• My life is literally the opposite of ice fishing.
• Zebras are just horses that are ready to party.
• Raise your hand if you put walnuts in your brownies. Now use that hand and slap your face.
• If I was friends with Beyoncè I'd totally call her "B-Town" and she'd love that shit.
• "Pushing the envelope" sounds like one of the tamest things anyone could ever do.
• If we do enough tests, I'm sure we can find something healthy about French fries.
• Sometimes I feel like I'm holding my all-purpose cleaner back from living up to its full potential.
• A little girl just saw me jogging down the hall chanting "snacks" over and over so yeah I'd say I'm one of the more respected staff members around here.
• Of course, Tony the Tiger isn't his real name. It's Lord Antoine Le Tigris of Kellogg.
• We should pay teachers more and professional athletes less, because kids don't look up to poor people.
• I leave all my stove elements on full blast when I go out in case someone breaks in and wants to make a crazy amount of noodles.
• Pac-Man vs. Hungry Hungry Hippos. Make that happen, makers of happenings.
• "Let's obsess over each other for three months so we can learn to tolerate stinky stuff." (Relationships)

Bitches love candles.

• I'd do anything a panda bear told me to do.
• HAVE YOU BEEN INJURED IN AN AUTO ACCIDENT? DID THE OTHER PERSON'S INSURANCE COMPANY PEE IN YOUR BUTT AND SMACK YOUR GRANDMA? CALL US NOW!
• You should never apologize for your friend's behavior. Especially if your friend is me & I only wanted to touch that girl's hair for a sec.
• Split Ends: That moment where I revert back to hearing only one voice in my head instead of five.
• Life is hard, just like this white thing I found in my hamburger.
• Yams can F right off
• This lady was all like "Krista, you really breed hostility." & I was all like "No no no no no not possible. Plan B'd that shit yesterday."
• Secretly fill a beanbag chair with margarine tonight and give yourself the weird chair you've subconsciously always needed.
• I don't care what you say, eating a huge pickle during a meeting is a power move.
• I'll eat a whole box of Cheez-Its. I don't give a shit.
• We all say we wouldn't let another Holocaust happen, yet here we are in a world where Kid Rock has multiple platinum albums.
• I make the dumbest grammatical errors. Sometimes instead of typing 'knew' I'll type 'new' and instead of typing 'I love you' I type 'Die'.
• I'm not cynical. I just hate cheerful people and I use words to make them feel bad.
• I hope none of you actually sound like the voices I've assigned to your comments n posts
• My friends say making shaving cream sweater vests is wasteful, but they are all just jealous of how good I look.
• Just once I'd like to not jump twice while putting my jeans on.
• Text this free code to your boss now for time off work: FUKUBRO.
• I never think about murdering anything and then flies

People are killing themselves with delicious things!

• Don't say anything to pizza because it'll probably deny it, but we're way more than friends.
• I wish there was some way I could feel like I did something today without doing anything today.
• I could really go for 18,000 chocolates right now.
• I don't like who I become when I have to hold my jacket longer than five minutes.
• "Oh, just stick everything up my butt for safe keeping." - Mr. Potato Head.
• I hope I don't meet anyone else who says "rats!" these murders are getting hard to cover up
• Hey wall street if people with no arms or legs can get by every day can we stop hearing you calling every little loss a crisis THX
• I'd rather think about things than do them. It's like BOOM- you think about it- it's in your head. Pretend you did it. Same difference.
• Hell is probably an endless loop of taking people to the airport and helping them move.
• Would a couple of you come over and watch Children of the Corn with me? Don't bring corn. Or children.
• 14 minutes in and I'm terrified. WHY IS HE WALKING IN THE CORN?
• I'm betting these corn children were homeschooled.
• Ok so apparently babies can't make bacon. At least not without a lot of screaming and what appears to be a grease fire.
• Someone I know lives in Ohio. Let's cover it in a giant dome and fill it with farts - it'll be funny.
• Knock on wood, but I've never been stabbed with a swordfish while waiting in line at Target.
• If you imagine Katy Perry literally strapping babies to fireworks and shooting them off that song isn't so bad.
• I bet Lady Gaga's sweatpants are made out of baby diapers and shoe laces.
• When your ass finally fuses to the sofa people will be all "sweet sofa ass, bro" and you can be all "thanks, I earned it!"

yep

•  I hope I'm lucky enough to die peacefully in my sleep after I'm murdered.
• Seems like a life-coach's first job should be to coach himself to get a better job than life-coach
• Hey scary movies, lets save your terrifying trailers for daylight hours. Forever yours Krista McScaredycat
• Sounds like it's raining, but it could also be dozens of hobos peeing on my home. Either way, very soothing.
• Don't be one of those people who sit next to me. I beg you.
• Which month is Small Breast Awareness Month?
• Sliced my lip open flossing. Maybe I'm doing it wrong. You guys use swords to floss your teeth right?
• Dads like to run out and get shit.
• Don't burn any bridges until all of your co-workers are on it.
• Banks are super effective at helping me save money because they keep me from having to pay for Dum-Dums.
• Hard to care about any company that's not paying me to search the Internet all day for pictures of cats wearing wigs.
• Your faux hawk told me you have every season of 'Entourage' on DVD.
• What's the proper etiquette for slitting your wrists at parties?
• Oh, sorry. I thought depantsing you would liven things up around here, this wedding ceremony is boring.
• Every girl would also be crazy about a sharp dressed lamb. With a little tuxedo shirt and mini fedora, damn!
• If someone drops their phone around you, make sure you make the ugliest face possible to show your sympathy.
• If you own a big home and someone tells you to go big or go home, you get trapped in a paradox forever and can't even die. I'm serious.
• If you're a marginally attractive white chick in your 20s and you want to murder someone, this might be the year to do it.
• This morning I woke up like a person in a coffin- I was on my back with my arms crossed across my chest and I was in a coffin.

No thanks, guys who say "yummy"

•  If I ask for a Coke and the waiter asks "Pepsi okay?," I like to answer through clenched teeth, "I am NOT going to fight with you right now
• If I don't make it, tell the world my story (The Terminator + Casino Royale + Garfield).
• When something gets tangled I just pick it up and try to shake it loose. This is the extent of my problem-solving skills.
• Fridge disguised as kitchen cabinet, I accept your challenge.
• I was the inspiration behind Sade's 'Smooth Operator.'
• I can quit eating fistfuls of Circus Peanuts anytime I want. I'm just having a lot of fun with my fistful of Circus Peanut eating right now.
• For a reasonable price I'll throw an octopus at your ex-friend.
• How I haven't been serial killed yet is beyond me!
• Any food can be made better by eating pizza instead.
• I feel like if the squirrel in the backyard would just let me hug him once, he'd be hooked and we'd be total hug buddies.
• A spider built its web on my car. Now I feel extra responsible to go somewhere interesting.
• You say "tomato", I say "flamingo". I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
• Wall St. Can't be that bad? I mean, all you do is snort cocaine and yell at some tickers with a Starbucks in hand.
• I'm scared of the world. Buy me expensive things.
• I think "Bruce" is my favorite name that reminds me of a gross, thick soup.
• Check the rules of your gym, but I'm pretty sure you're allowed to wear a ham cape if you'd like.
• If you don't think a spiderweb covered in raindrops is beautiful, give me your eyeballs -I'll throw them away. Sorry, it has to be this way.
• Just found out there are other people named Krista. Wait until my parents hear about this.
• It's not "breaking and entering" because I used a lockpick. And it sure as hell wasn't assault because I used a Chloroform napkin. Sheesh.
• You're not really lying to a person if you answer them in dolphin noises.
• People who delight me: -black dudes who say "damn girl" when they see my butt -white girls with "F it!" magenta hair -giggly Asian tweens
• Dogs, if you lick my hand, I'm gonna grab your tongue. That's just how it is.

Hey guys trust us it's smelly wash it wash it now

• I just had a double espresso, if anyone would like me to do math or move an entire apartment with MY MIND!
• I hate when I'm wearing headphones and I try to lower my voice so I'm not yelling but then nobody can hear me and everyone gets stabbed.
• The most responsible thing I do as an adult is poop before I go anywhere.
• My coworker is out today with "the squirts." Sounds delicious!
• The shower drain at the Kardashians' home must look like an Ewok is stuck in it.
• I'm sexy until I put my mittens on and then I'm do-me-right-now-in-this-zoo-by-the-humping-elephants sexy.
• My friend called this morning to tell me I'm selfish and self-centered and some other shit I didn't hear because I'm so spectacular and hung up.
• Nobody can stop you from strolling around town gripping a butter knife.
• To the person in the audience who claps for too long -- I will find you. And when I do, it's all over.
• I "pay it forward" but it's more like "kill people it forward."
• Tonight I learned that you can love your dog so much and he will eat your shoes because he loves you so much too.
• This might sound racist, but there's no such thing as "too many cookies."
• If I lick my forefinger and thumb and still cant' rifle thru a stack of papers fast enough I'm riding the express train to Panic Attack City
• You can sign your credit card receipts "Stinky Von Muffinfluffer III" if you want to. No one checks that shit.
• My son just put powdered sugar on his bacon. My work here is done.
• We Americans want a small, cute, adorable goveremt.
• If the best way to prevent cancer is mozzarella sticks then I'm good to go.
• Whoever invented neckties was probably a little bit weird.
• A fun thing to do before a first date is start a bridal registry in your names so he'll think it's fate when you point it out to him later.

• It's hard to say goodbye and "Worcestershire sauce"

  • Gonna ignore the lump on my neck until it gets really big like the tumors you see on people in those Discovery Health shows.
  • When something bad happens I'll stand by you and thoughtfully say "Everything happens for a raisin" as I slowly eat raisins.
  • I only ever go places just to eventually leave.
  • My biggest fear is that someone will say "Git-R-Dun" while I'm holding my child. Because I will instinctively swing my baby at their face.
  • The song Careless Whisper was a tad dramatic. Really you're NEVER gonna dance again? Even at a fun bar-mitzvah? I bet you'll dance again.
  • My neighbor's outside but I don't really have time to talk. I'll just dig a tunnel through the floor.
  • It's hard to tell what other people think of you. Especially when your mind-reading attempts fail & you creep them out by staring at them.
  • Poor people sure do a good job of finding money for tattoos
  • Those few minutes after waking up covered in blood are super scary until you realize it's not yours.
  • When I was growing up all my friends' parents were getting divorced but thankfully my mom and TV stayed together.
  • People driving off a collapsed bridge is a small price to pay for my new orange megaphones.
  • The Halloween candy is flirting with me already.
  • I wonder how much I can get for this piece of toast that bears the image of Cameron Diaz.
  • A "jukebox hero" has to be the pussiest kind of hero.
  • :) = a set of balls hanging out in a hammock. Calm down, I didn't wanna tell you that, but I didn't have a choice. Call me w/any questions
  • I be loving the shit out of fall foliage.
  • Wrong number calls are annoying but not nearly as much as right number calls.
  • I don't really like to exercise. To get my heart rate up, I hand my phone to someone else to borrow while I leave the room for 5 minutes.
  • I have this amazing natural ability where I never notice when someone is being passive aggressive with me. I guess this means I win.

My femininity has a first name, it’s B-I-T-C-H.

• I've always been surprised at the United States' stance on immigration considering the national anthem starts by asking Jose if he can see.
• Why is no one else concerned with Betty Boop's obvious brain tumor?
• I think 'The View' would be an amazing show if they got rid of all of the cameras and microphones.
• Nobody wants to publish my pop-up book about Nippley, the mole who forgot to live underground :(
• My serial killer shtick would be forcing people to "dance for their lives" & then pulling out a water gun and grabbing a vanilla milkshake.
• If the Union of Concerned Scientists spent less time Emailing me and more time doing science, they'd be less concerned. But, it's whatever.
• Just tried to eat my bread bowl before I ate my soup and three people died.
• You’d think the Greek Gods could get people to sculpt them with bigger penises.
• Paper cuts are your soul’s portal to the real world.
• Help! Someone is trying to break into my house by distracting me with a very scary moth!
• Oh me? Just measuring my volume in the bathtub to see if I can truthfully report that I am a "tall glass of water" on this dating site.
• When I watch sports, I call the winning team Happiness and the losing team Depression because the only thing I care about is food.
• Butterflies, Bald Eagles, and time never listen to me when I ask that they fly slower to give my life just a smidgen more dramatic effect.:(
• What doesn’t kill you probably lacks sufficient funds or skill to poison your dinner with arsenic.
• "I'm gonna be straight with you, I don't really care if Bambi makes it out of that fire." - Me to my little cousin during movie time
• Apparently there is a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down
• Taser doorbells. Because we already know we hate you.
• The hospital still doesn't have laser tag in the lobby so I guess ill just keep my suggestions to myself from now on.
• Show up to family dinner wearing a cape so everybody knows you're getting the last piece of ham.
• Girl at the pool put her pants on the floor and tried to hop right into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl is better.

Gum chewers make me feel murdery :(

• So, we're just going to let Justin Timberlake keep acting? Great job people.
• "Danger" is my middle name. I just spell it "Marie."
• I have the scariest costume of all time this Halloween going as "sneezing while driving 70 mph @ 515am can't top that
• Putting a hypothetical gun to your child's head doesn't help them choose a cereal any faster. FYI
• I bet wars are, like, crazy loud.
• When I die, I'd like to be melted down and made into decorative necklaces that my friends and family feel forced to wear.
• My grandma asked me if my co-workers were nice to me. I said no. You guys are screwwwwwwwed.
• Getting ready to watch See No Evil. I hope the cops are ready for all of my "I heard a weird noise!" calls.
• This movie title is bullshit. I'm seeing evil already. Hold me.
• Uh oh. There are people having the sex in this movie. They're gonna get butchered for sure.
• Guys, can you all send me your parents phone number? I want to let them know how great you guys are doing onFacebook!
• My son had a fascinating booger situation on his face this morning that I'm calling "Hitler Walrus."
• I'm getting fat. **looks deeply into your eyes as I lick brownie mix off the beater**
• Don't watch me count stuff. I know you're counting in your head at the same time. It's distracting. And now I have to start over. Again.
• I like to set the tone with potential suitors by holding my dog up in front of my face and saying "ARE YOU MY NEW DAD" in a Yoda voice.
• no roughage for me thanks. I like pooping to be a struggle.
• I wish Dora and Diego's backpacks would just shut the F up already.

It's worth a shot to put a panda in the White House.

•  I sprayed the cat with ketchup and yelled "fur is murder!" She looked ashamed for a second and now she's enjoying her tasty murder fur.
• I give up on fighting my demons. If you need me, I’ll be romancing my gnomes.
• You never know, those kids might use my "You little bastards will never amount to anything" speech, as motivation for their future endeavors
• If this park has a "no harpoon gun" rule then there should be a sign. And that kid's leg better give me back my harpoon.
• You can tell a lot about a person's wiping habits by which side of the toilet seat is loose.
• "In Case of Emergency Break Glass" signs NEVER have chocolate behind them. Whoever makes these signs has NO IDEA what an emergency is.
• Ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt your regularly-scheduled lame timeline to bring you this announcement: I JUST STUBBED MY TOE.
• I hate when I catch up to a stranger on the sidewalk. Now I have to pretend my phone is ringing so I can avoid the "stranger half smile."
• I have this weird birth defect where I "use my brain to think about stuff." It's super f'ng annoying.
• I'm glad the cooks at Domino's wear those fancy chef coats. Are they still measuring pepperoni by the teaspoon?
• Anyone that claims that they never had any imaginary friends growing up has already sent you a friend request on Facebook.
• It's hard to tell if someone's short email means they're mad or just busy. I always reply, "Thanks, Assface!" just in case.
• A two-dollar bill should be worth more than two dollars. I don't care what math says.
• When you see a PT Cruiser, you have to yell "PT SHOOTER" and shoot the person in the car with you, I don't make the rules sorry
• Gas ovens are great for people who enjoy oven flavored food.
• Just got a client for my advertising agency! After I sew their logo on these miniature capes I'm off to the park to check the squirrel traps

• Shut up like no one's listening.

  • I really  hope the customs agent doesn't ask what I'm gon' do with all this junk, all this junk inside my trunk.
  • I ask my dog to go pick me up some candy or make me a sandwich more than is probably healthy.
  • Hey monuments thanks for being giant erect penises in every city
  • I'm always happy to be the first one to say “how embarrassing” out loud when someone nearby does something totally embarrassing.
  • Do I answer all my own questions? Absolutely
  • Sometimes it's fun to randomly shout, "Hey, asshole!" in a crowd, just to see who turns around.
  • I could never be a cop because It would take all the strength I have not to yell "It's electric! Boogie woogie woogie!" while tazing someone. HELLO EXHAUSTING
  • I've set my phone to airplane mode to add more realism to the nausea and turbulence I experience at work.
  • Women who know each other LOVE to pretend they can't see each other.
  • Panda Express is not an open forum for pandas to express their feelings, but I wish it was.
  • My boss asked me to calculate the speed of two trains leaving different stations at the same time. Sixth grade math just got real.
  • If you have 4 Square linked to your Facebook & you "check in" anywhere near me, I'm gonna come by & make you look at my new shoes.
  • I'd never compare people I don't like to Hitler, but the people who make the little "x" button impossible to find on pop-up ads are Hitler.
  • 44 of my Facebook friends changed their profile pictures. My life is f'ng insane.
  • I go to the movies to listen to fat people behind me eat popcorn and read this over my shoulder chill out on the crunching lardos
  • My co worker sure makes a lot of ruckus for someone I just let become the foursquare mayor of the trunk of my car.

I'm caring-impaired.

• The best part of being an adult has to be the part where you constantly get to tell people how adult you are.
• Almost waved down this guy to ask where he went to college until I saw his alumni sticker in the window. So convenient!
• I'm gonna start bringing sparklers into stores jazz this life up a little bit
• Remember guys, it's really easy to get hit by a car if you're not careful or your name's Phil and you didn't hold the elevator for me today.
• It was so much easier to scissor kick a soda open when I did it in my mind.
• Why don't they bring bumper car technology to regular cars? That way, it wouldn't matter if we bounce into each other out on the road.
• Mom: How was your day? Me: Fine, I guess. Mom: Anything new? Me: If I don't poop soon I'll stab someone. Mom: That's nice, honey.
• Wow. These Bertolli commercials sure do make me want to go back to 19th Century Italy and murder Guiseppe Verdi with a shovel.
• When life gives you lemons, shut the heck up. It could easily give you broccoli. You want broccoli? Yeah, that's what I thought...
• We could save a lot of lives if we made bullets out of marshmallows, Plus war would be more like a super fun candy fight.
• Let's all get super indoorsy. I'll go first.
• Sorry Fraggles, but we need septic tanks for our poop and pee. You'll have to move.
• I thought you said "Assault a pepper shaker." Anyway, totally broke that pepper shaker.
• ERR' BODY IN DA CLUB ON THEIR iPHONES
• I like to wear ironic t-shirts to bed so I can be hipster even while I'm unconscious.
• While standing in line to buy some tabloids, I impulsively purchased a week's worth of groceries.
• I wish I was one of those people that was really in touch with the Earth, but you know, bugs.
• "If only I would have checked myself" - guy who wrecked himself
• A girl told me that her boyfriend sent her flowers and I said he's probably cheating and she cried and I said and that's probably why (helping)
• I'm unconcerned with the definition of nonchalant.
• I bet anyone who's had to fight a bear has snuck at least one hug in
• October: The only month pumpkin patch owners and their wives don't bitterly fight about money and career choices.

Americans - eating wrong and going on Jerry Springer since the dawn of time.

• To do list: 1)find unfaithful man. 2)get married. 3)call cheaters. 4)tell friends to watch me stab my husband on an episode of cheaters.
• Going to get a flu shot so I guess this is goodbye forever.
• Even when I'm standing still, I'm still probably walking faster than these slow walking people on the sidewalk.
• Me at parties: "Hi, we've never met, but I've looked through all your wedding photos on Facebook. Your grandpa -- so ADORABLE!"
• I have no use for cocktail umbrellas that cannot perform the simple tasks like protecting my drink in extreme weather conditions.
• We get it Rihanna, you own a leotard.
• WHY ARE SIGNS IN TEXAS SO BIG? I AM NOT 95.
• I wouldn't be so fat if I just murdered everybody.
• French fries are my boyfriend.
• I just finished yoga and pilates. Don't act like you don't name your cupcakes.
• Ladies, my mom just said I'm the most beautiful girl in the world. I'm so, so sorry. There's something out there for you too, don't give up.
• When people say "crazier things have happened" I pull out a picture of a grasshopper resting atop my shoulder and say "what, like this?"
• Cell phones have brought us closer to the people whose numbers we don't know off hand anymore.
• The Internet comes back, shrugs, and says, "Page Not Found." And I'm like, "you better saddle up and find it. That's your job."
• Just saw a commercial for the FOOTLOOSE remake. Tough way to find out I didn't get the part.
• It just occurred to me that I've never tried farting on a flame and now I'm really sad about how much of life I haven't lived :(

I always just farted.

•  I'm protesting against politically active people by occupying my couch.
• "Take out the GARbage?! Take out the GARBAGE?! Bitch I just created you from my RIB 5 minutes ago." (Adam to Eve, Day 1)
• "Look, it's not you, it's me." — Eve (15 minutes after God created Adam)
• I bet the origin to the phrase, "When the shit hits the fan," is one heck of a story.
• Sometimes I dream about becoming a super hero. Other times the table buzzer goes off in my hand at Olive Garden and I panic and throw up.
• I'll wait until your back's turned before unleashing my arsenal of hexes and eye-rolling because that'll show you.
• "Knick knack paddy whack give the dog a bone" - someone who tried to take song writing seriously but then was like "Screw it, whatever."
• Accidentally bumped into a person at walmart. I guess the normal reaction ISN'T to scream incessantly and douse myself in Purell.
• Is swag when you eat all the baby corn at the sizzler salad bar?
• Thought about getting a hot dog from Dairy Queen but decided to just swallow hazardous waste from the biology lab instead.
• Instructions: 1. Eat candy until you are sick 2. Wish you didn't eat candy until you were sick 3. Repeat every time you have candy
• I bet Papa Smurf smurfed the smurf out of Smurfette and then smurfed on her face and made her smurf his smurf while she smurfed her smurf.
• Does this royal robe make the mall seem like a weird place for me to wear it?
• You'd think doing a hand stand in the shower would be the same as using a bidet but you would be horribly, horribly wrong.
• About to make this non-fat white chocolate triple-pump mocha my bitch.
• It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.
• Something something something something something...in the way she moves.
• Getting the tenth burrito for free after you buy nine is cool; but what if you got to murder someone instead?
• Halfway through the movie, you discover that Grandpa is a witch. (tip for improving basically every movie)
• If you live in my neighborhood and you saw me on one of your family vacations, I probably got there by holding on to the bottom of your car
• "Goat cheese" sounds like something you'd do to your friends when they pass out drunk.
• Want to get in the best shape of your life? Contort your body so you cast a penguin-shaped shadow on the wall. What's better than that?!
• I'm not laughing AT you, I'm laughing WITH other people at you.
• I want my tombstone to have three different sets of dates so people think I've come back from the dead before & will likely do it again.

Has anyone knit a scarf to look like a slice of bacon yet?

• Why has NO ONE asked me to be in their cult? I'm so cult material.
• Sometimes I just miss rewinding my cassette tapes with my finger. Those were good times.
• If I could go back in time I say I'd kill Hitler but I'd probably just keep my dad from learning emoticons.
• Oh, your public storage facility isn't climate controlled? How do the bodies stay preserved? WHAT IS IT EVEN USED FOR? RUBBER CHICKENS?
• I just promised a friend a “dude-sized Energizer bunnybot that’s hung like a monster” for Christmas. Target has those, right?
• Someone just told me everything in life has already been done so I guess this bible I made out of earwax was not time well spent.
• If they're smart cars, why do the people driving them look so stupid?
• I try to avoid going near the ocean because the force at which I sigh could probably start a tsunami.
• Kids as young as 4 are now being treated for ADHD. "He's always running around and smiling. What's wrong with him?"
• If someone starts yelling at me I pour gravy on them because if you're delicious you can't make me cry
• Fighting fire with fire makes sounds crazy, maybe try fighting fire with marshmallows or old jackets you don't really wear anymore?
• Find an empty jar at your friend's house and label it "monkey ghost."
• I'd be more excited to watch football if, before every play, a player ran to the camera and told us a secret.
• • Something about texting "Hey, weirdo" to random phone numbers just feels right.
  • Homeless people have the most boring picket signs. We get it! You're anti-hunger! Stop shoving your beliefs down our throat.
  • As a noon aid I stress to my students the importance of staying in school if they don't have access to Google at home.
  • My toilet's been running for the last 2 days, so I'm now within my right to put on Navajo war paint and burn the whole block down.
  • I wish life was more like movies basically just because it would be way easier to find parking.
  • Doctor told me I have to stop eating salt. Is there salt in salt licks?
  • For the last time, I get what it MEANS, what I don't get is how to ACHIEVE hakuna matata.
  • My seven-layer dip is the best because each layer is ground up Choco Taco.
  • I hope you all had a great my birthday next year!
  • I'm sick of buying beef jerky at gas stations that just turns out to be Keith Richards. Say something before we get in the car, Keith.
  • I haven't read The Merchant of Venice, but I think it might be about that cafe owner that ripped off my family on a vacation in 2001.
  • Sometimes I can't even believe food would wanna leave me after I ate it. I treat it so gently.
  • I bet everyone who saw me today is at home right now telling their family about how awesome my new sweatshirt is.
  • I answer every job interview question with "snuffleupagus". Ensuring I stay on Facebook with you guys.
  • Sometimes I feel like there’s something inside me, yearning to be free, like a dream or a gerbil.
  • I'm stealing every cat in my neighborhood and training them to attack the throat whenever X Factor comes on. Then I'm returning them.

I'm a tortured fartist.

•  My dentist still lets me pick from the children's toothpaste flavors. He gets me.
• You know what they say about girls with big hands! (they're not super good at rinsing mugs)
• I still haven't seen 2 horses riding a motorcycle with a side car today, starting to think I might not be psychic after all.
• It's really hard to tell the difference between Bob Dylan and Charlie Brown's mother.
• There's a new facebook scam called "Eat for Free at Pizza Hut." Nice try, but I already got burned on the scam "Eat for Money at Pizza Hut."
• I make the best soup using six glazed donuts and no soup.
• “Six of one, half a dozen of two.” –A guy who’s bad at idioms and math
• A fun fact about me is that there are no fun facts about me.
• I love you just the way you are. Except for the back fat that kinda resembles boobs. Fix yourself.
• FUN FACT: Those guys who yell the chorus in the background of punk songs are linking arms and line dancing. Every time.
• Every New Year's I replace "one" in the countdown with the word "fun" so everyone knows I don't plan to be any less awful.
• How many fun-sized Snickers do I have to eat before the fun kicks in? Cuz now I'm just kinda sick.
• You can learn a lot about a person just by watching them through binoculars 24 hours a day.
• They say you should live life like it's your last day on earth....so lying in a bed breathing heavily then.
• The ads for the kfc bowl should just say "feel like giving up? Let us help"
• Nice try, everyone who failed today but you plan on trying again tomorrow even though you got hurt and accidentally peed your pants.
• Just read "The Three Musketeers," and it's true, the book is always better than the candy
• Man this grocery store sucks, they only have like 543 different types of bread.
• That awkward moment when you flirt with that cute mysterious guy at the mall for 10 min before realizing he's a mannequin & you're desperate
• I just solved the Rubik's Cube I started working on in 1984!
• I want a zombie that likes me for more than just my brains.
• I subsist primarily on soda and candy because I think self-destruction should be delicious.
• I hate it when people say "I didn't mean to hurt you". What DID you mean to do...make me jump for joy and it went horribly wrong.
• Show me on this doll where you paid extra for the three hole input model with silky smooth hair and easy clean surface.
• Funny how my love for kittens varies based upon the surface they choose to puke on.
• I'm calling email shemale from now on. Sc'arewwwww a'you!
• They never talked about that time when the caterpillar made James a mix tape and shit got super weird inside the giant peach.

Go poop.

• "I think I might have a mullet," he whispered into the dark.
• I know Jesus is magical, because he's the only white man to ever come out of the middle east. Also, card tricks. My grandma was catholic so I know this
• Whoever is telling socially inept people that they should be more outgoing, stop it. We were fine nodding at them and looking away.
• A new study claims that the reason women gossip is to protect society (but between us I heard those researchers have serious problems!)
• I hate when people walk so slowly in front of me. It's like, um, excuse me, I'm in a hurry - these feelings aren't going to eat themselves!
• Look, I'll accept that Charles is in charge of my days. But I'll be DAMNED, you hear me? DAMNED if he's in charge of my nights.
• Well, if the city isn't going to install hidden dog launching catapults in the park, then I guess I just have to do everything myself.
• Whatever doesn't kill you might be hepatitis and you should still get it checked out before you get really sick.
• I'm turning over a new leaf! Actually, I'm turning over *all* of the leaves. I'm kinda OCD about that.
• I'd date a guy in his 20's if he was rich and in his 40's and just said he was in his 20's as a joke and wasn't joking about being rich.
• Too bad America's pastime is baseball and not something more fascinating like couples arguing in public and/or birds crapping on people.
• Good luck convincing me that your party will be better than complete isolation.
• I get away with parking poorly by leaving notes on my own car that say things like "I hope the Amish murder you!" and "You're a MONSTER."
• Bad dream. You guys don't all hate me right? You'd text me back if I text you right? And I'd NEVER forget to pack my lipgloss.
• "Teen Mom" is such an adorable name. When I was in high school they were called "The Whore Cheerleader With The  Baby".
• My bag smells like sweets, but there are no sweets in my bag. This is a bag of bullshit!
• What we didn’t hear about was how a teenaged Christopher Robin maintained his street cred by referring to his old buddy as Winnie the Shit.
• If I were suddenly a giraffe, I'd look into a ton of bathroom windows and if I got caught, it'd be fine cause I'm just a curious giraffe now
• This wine is very earthy, with a hint of black pepper and an I'm gonna get wasted finish.
• After an awkward run/walk across the road, I face the cars & sorta shrug; like, "Sorry. I don't know what that was about."
• "I just stung that guy, and now his friend has to pee on him." -Jellyfish, Nature's Assholes
• Courtney's Inner Thoughts UNCUT: If I bought a funnel, I could definitely fill a water gun with urine.
• I'm not saying I'm better than you I'm just saying I found a four loko in my purse

Steal a baby! They'll never know.

•  Dear people celebrating 6 month "anniversaries": Congratulations on being 14 and/or retarded.
• I'm always just a pair of pants and underwear away from getting arrested.
• I didn't like you anyway, affording stuff!!!
• Muffins find me very seductive.
• Nice call on the "legalize it" bumper sticker, guy who forgot police exist.
• Memories are like blood stains- they're hard to get rid of, especially memories of blood stains.
• How has no one asked me to be the face of hummus? I AM HUMMUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• People don't like my jokes about white people, thought they would work considering I’m .0001 Indian
• "You can do it! And if you can't, no big deal, take a nap or something!" - Me, as a motivational speaker.
• My "pay bills while drinking vodka and texting friends pants" are super comfortable. No clue while they're called "yoga pants".
• I don't think I have ever made a plan that I didn't secretly wish would get canceled.
• If you ask me a question and I don't know the answer I'm going to tell you to Google it and act like you're the stupid one.
• Ranch on everything seems like a good idea until your curtains are f'd up and your couch smells all gross. Maybe just use it for food.
• When I was a child I wrote a poem about Columbus. It rhymed Genoa, Noah, and Hispaniola. Amazingly, I did not go directly to college.
• Sometimes when I walk out of a bathroom, I like to point at an imaginary camera & say "To Be Continued…"
• Slut coworker called in sick today, she's suffering from "Idiot whore who JUST posted pics of herself on Facebook drinking beer on the beach"
• My handwriting can best be described as "Aww... To hell with it."
• I don't hunt. I love to eat meat but I couldn't shoot an innocent animal..unless its ugly. If it was ugly, I could shoot it..right in the face
• I'M NOT AFRAID OF YOU ANYMORE, SPOOKY AIRBRUSHED VAMPIRE CLOUD DESIGN FROM THE COVER OF THE ORIGINAL 1985 FRIGHT NIGHT VHS CASSETTE TAPE
• 85% of the time I spend in a bathroom stall is spent waiting for the other person in the bathroom to leave
• Human Behavior Study #1: Scream "Farts are coming out" when farting in public, people will freak out & feel weird that you're admitting it.

If I want to wish you luck, I will. Don't tell me what to do.

• The mama cat keeps naming her newborn kittens Meow. How will you differentiate between them, you idiot cat?!
• I like to shake people's hands and watch them touch their mouths soon after.
• Your baby was cute until I realized you're on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
• I'll eat a whole sleeve of Oreos. I don't give a shit.
• Every time I run a half filled dishwasher, I like to think the dishes are pretending they're in the VIP section of an exclusive club.
• The only person more uncomfortable than me on the phone is anyone within earshot of me on the phone.
• I end all conversations with my family the same way, "Bye, I love you, when I die please don't commemorate me on your car's rear window."
• Guys: Do you carry a big knife clipped onto your pocket? You probably don't need to. You can leave it at home.
• Rabbits are super cute and cuddly but they get kind of weird about French kissing.
• I wanted to be an astronaut until the first time I gnawed on some space ice cream.
• At this point the UPS guy thinks I just don't know you're supposed to zip up your fly.
• Winter's finally arrived....I know this because I just had to mentally prepare myself to sit on the toilet seat.
• The work bathroom is the easiest way to share something intimate with people you hate.
• This girl in spin class just took off her pants only to reveal ANOTHER SET OF PANTS what is this the MAGIC GYM
• Can anyone remember why Food Network doesn't have a show where I eat cookies?

You look tasty like a lowfat, sugar-free, vegan, gluten-free cupcake.

• Watching movies would be so much easier if someone would invent a cookie that lasts 90 minutes.
• "I wanna love you, the best that, the best that I caaaan" -Me, to my breakfast sandwich, as I rub it all over my body before I eat it.
• People think they can diagnose shit because they watch House and Grey's Anatomy. I'm gonna need 2 cc's of Shut the F up, stat.
• Let it be known, if you put your 2 year old on the phone with me, I'll drive to your house and pull up all of your plants.
• Look, at this point, I'm just trying to kill the environment so thoroughly not even the robots can enjoy it.
• Life's too short to hold your farts in.
• Just saw two strangers in floppy hats nod to each other because God is good.
• If there's no wrong way to eat a Reese's, then somebody explain to me why all of these puppies are DEAD!
• I regret almost everything about my pants.
• What I learned from Beauty and the Beast is that a man might mistreat you, but if you love him enough, he'll change.
• Red Rover, Red Rover, send Jimmy right over! (to get clotheslined and displace a vertebrae at age 8 leading to lifelong back problems)
• Cab drivers don't accept "1 free hug" coupons as payment so I guess shit's about to get weird.
• What I learned from Sleeping Beauty is that if you don't put out on the first date, you'll die. Alone.
• If my skin were any more sensitive, it'd be folding its arms and giving one-word responses.
• Twice a year I remember that leaving some windows open to enjoy a breeze can result in a mysterious door slam. Also, I'm an ugly crier.
• It's fascinating that a creature can begin as a caterpillar and end as a stepped-on caterpillar
• No one gives Mary the respect she deserves for sacrificing her blood so we can drink vodka in the morning.
• Still don't understand why anyone would use a ladder when it only takes a few hours to set up a series of trampolines.
• I can only wear a white shirt once because I have armpits.
• Well, EXCUSE ME for expecting a MAILMAN to know the difference between a mailbox and an identical box in the same location filled with bees.
• Might throw the hunters a curveball this weekend by giving all the deer some sunglasses and a fake mustache.
• It's like the old saying goes "It's like the old saying goes."
• I would guess the hardest part about taking home an adult tiger would be trying to decide on a sweet name for it.
• "Wow! Your baby's enormous head must've destroyed your vagina!" really shouldn't be spoken out loud. Lesson learned.
• It's weird that everyone else at work eats lunch during our 12:00 PM cartwheel break.
• "The carpool lane requires a passenger," said the cop, as I sobbed into the steering wheel, still holding hands with the scarecrow.
• If you're in a clown posse, you don't need to tell us you're insane. We know. Nobody's thinking you're an emotionally stable clown posse.

Political Ben & Jerry’s Flavors: 2011

Rick Berry

Malt Romney

Occu-Pie Wall-nut

Donut Ask, Don’t Caramel

ChocoPie GumBall Street

Women’s Right to Chews* (*Taffys)

Marshmell’ Bachmann

Marshmell’ Choc-mint

Troy Davis’ Capital PunishMint

Rick Santorum Is A Homosexual Assdouche Fudge Swirl

Snickerhead Ranch

Take a deep breath and eat a pie in the bathtub.

• I bet peeping toms see a lot more nose picking than they bargain for.
• My Almost-Out-Of-Ketchup face is pretty serious.
• "I really think we could be more than just friends," Christopher Robin whispered as he realized he was 18 years old and talking to a bear.
• The purest love in the world exists between a rapper and his exotic fish tank.
• They say God won't give you more than you can handle, but a family event is going to keep me from watching soapnet all day. WTF?
• Having a one-track mind isn’t so bad if the track leads to Magic Bacon Land.
• Naming your daughter after a gemstone is a good way to break it to her early that you can't afford to pay for college.
• If you love someone set them free. Then send them a text message every hour letting them know you've set them free.
• My biggest fear is that one day I might be driving next to a cliff when a Sammy Hagar song comes on the radio.
• The plaintiff? I'd like to think I'm more the girl-next-dooriff, your Honor.
• If I'm ever being chased by a killer I'm gonna bang my head against a wall and hopefully stay knocked out until my therapy appointment.
• All the hormones we’re pumping into food are making our diets dangerously sexy.
• If I hadn't paid attention in Spanish class, I wouldn't have been able to order a purple sock in this Argentinian restaurant.
• What are we doing, just standing around not digging for fossils?
• I can’t believe how much of this stuff at the self checkout is free.
• I heard that purgatory is just a room full of teenage girls blogging and rolling their eyes at you.
• LA where do you go to take a shit? Downtown area has no public restrooms WHY (also heads up that's why it smells like pee btw)
• Facebook is great for catching up on what your friends have been up to without you.
• When a character in a movie says the title in the middle of dialogue they should be required to wink and make tiny guns with their fingers.
• Instead of teaching kids about birth control they should just make them watch these scary movies where all the slutty teens get butchered.

My hands are as clean as a whistle! (Covered in bacteria!)

• You can always tell I care deeply about someone when I make sure they are not involved in my life in any way whatsoever.
• I hate you iceburg lettuce I hate you & your ass face
• When you say, "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans," all I hear is, "There's a bear out there who knows how to use matches."
• Making this super awesome dish called "all the shit left in my cabinets in a pot on the stove" have you ever had it
• The only place to park in hell is at Whole Foods.
• I don't claim to know what happens inside the dishwasher, but I'm guessing that it's like the first 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
• For a perfectly shaved forearm reach for the last Pringle in the can.
• 12-year-old me would probably have some pretty hurtful things to say if she saw what current me would look like trying to scale a fence.
• I was supposed to go to a wedding this weekend but I decided not to go because it's a wedding
• Love is a warm slingshot and a box of whoppers. And a second-story perch. And a goat named Betty.
• What part of "No" don't you understand? Probably the whole thing I'm guessing. It's a pretty short word. What? You're a squirrel? Sorry…
• Can we gather the world's cannibals and "accidentally" inject them with rabies? I wanna use the 13 guns I bought for the Zombie Apocalypse.
• This time of year I love watching super terrifying scary movies like "Halloween" and "Glitter".
• If you have a ponytail you could be at risk of having a pet snake. Symptoms include: working at blockbuster, saying "brah" and camping.
• Sometimes it's fun to call a local attorney and ask what you should do if you accidentally filled the Grand Canyon with pudding.
• Whatever, just stop washing your face. Nobody's gonna care, and you'll have so much more time to cry alone in the morning.
• My elliptical machine is broken, I took it in to be fixed and it seems my "elliptical machine" has actually been a couch all along.
• I'm sure Vietnam was horrible, but have any of those vets had a flashback to 5th grade laughter every time they trim their bangs?! HAVE THEY
• Adele has been through at least three world wars.
• Until I see an actual hairball, I assume your cat is just cracking up at something I said.
• When people go in for a hug, I say "I prefer money, but ok" and sigh really loud.
• I hate speed bumps that come out of no where that are people.
• Should probably stop shouting "DISH IS AMURICAH WHERE WE KILL ZAMBIES!" every time someone starts talking about zombies.
• According to myself, and I quote, "16% of homeless people originally climbed in a dumpster as a joke on a friend and it just felt right".

"Not to be a bitch" me when I am being a bitch.

• If you can decipher the words in a metal song, you're not drinking enough wolf's milk.
• The #1 way to avoid divorce is to make sure that every day you write "PLEASE DON'T DIVORCE ME!" on your partner's food in ketchup.
• I was going to go for a run this morning but it's too cold to pretend to do stuff.
• Just wanted to send a big JESUS CHRIST CALM DOWN to all the dudes dripping in fashion scarves today.
• I want to sell my car so that I never have to work again for a couple of days.
• In a pinch, your co-worker's trash can/desk drawer/butthole/face makes a nice ashtray
• Why is there always no parking signs in the most amazing parking spots?
• Clothes just agree to go with each other without asking questions. They're so dumb.
• One day I want to walk into a bank and yell, "Everybody get down!" then give an award to the best dancer
• I just hope there's enough hair in my shower drain for making all my holiday gifts.
• Turns out, "Definitely not still working here!" is not a great answer to: "Where do you see yourself in 10 years?"
• The loudest guy at happy hour cries the most when he gets home.
• Sometimes, kicking a person in the face is the only valid reaction.
• I'd be a force to be reckoned with in a National Sighing Championship.
• I feel sorry for the first person who was accidentally electrocuted in the bathtub. They just wanted some delicious bath-toast.
• Change is inevitable. Unless you need it to feed the parking meter. Then it's nowhere to be found.
• My therapist ends each session by saying: "Now go eat a big bowl of ice cream." (I'm my therapist.)
• For a guy who's obsessed with public safety, I think Batman drives a little too fast sometimes.

When one door closes, another sucks donkey balls.

• People saying I'm crazy reading software license agreements will feel dumb when they authorize Philip Seymour Hoffman to spoon them at night
• Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
• For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say "Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?"
• Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don't need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
• Name your son Lance and let the crime spree begin.
• Hopefully no one's life ever depends on me writing a mailing address perfectly centered on the envelope.
• Ghosts see our most embarrassing moments like when we're in the bathroom eating cookies.
•  Sometimes I leave my oven on full blast while I'm at work just to keep my couches on their toes.
• I want my Halloween costume to be super creepy so I'm dressing up like your girlfriend I love you
• Promise you'll never show a leopard all the shitty things we've put their print on.
• My favorite part about people using canvas tote bags is imagining them eventually purchasing plastic bags to line their bathroom trash cans.
• Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don't use words like "East."
• Hey vegetarian dudes you smell like poor life decisions eat some goddamn chicken and maybe your shitty ponytail will grow even longer
• Jeopardy is so retarded. Oh, I'm sorry, I mean mentally challenging.
• Maybe I can't teach my kids how to fix a car or build an addition on a house, but the helicopter impression into a microphone? …All me.

Way to disappoint me, things that aren't cheese.

• If you eat Angel's Food Cake and Devil's Food Cake at the same time, the battle between good and evil gives you diarrhea.
• I wish Confucius was still around so I could ask him my many questions of the universe. Like is it "Pets Mart" or "Pet Smart"?!
• My RSVP to every party is “I think I'm busy but tell me a little bit more about it”.
• "Hey, jump on my back and together we'll find the stomachs of some real weirdos!" -pizza, to pineapple
• Apparently complaining about having a stiff neck while visiting someone on their deathbed is frowned upon. It's like, REALLY stiff though.
• I'm the friend who backs you up during a confrontation by shouting "Aww, DAAAAMMNN" after your clever retorts.
• I could never be an R&B singer cause When I get that feelin, I mostly just want a grilled cheese sandwich.
• Hey everyone, if you're thinking about opening a fried chicken restaurant I've got 49 different name ideas for sale! Offer void in Kentucky.
• I hope my obituary leaves out all those times I refused to put my grocery cart in the cart corral.
• My favorite drinking game is that one where you drink every time you have access to booze.
• Every week I buy healthy fruits & vegetables and every week I throw out spoiled fruits & vegetables because I like steak.
• Growing up poor sounds hard, Grandma, but at least you didn't have the stress of trying to take a decent ass pic for your Internet boyfriend
• I think the best evidence that marijuana has been used for centuries is the fact that someone decided to see if they could eat an artichoke.
• You haven't really lived until you've slowly unpeeled a tube of biscuits 2" from your eyes.
• Open apology to that guy I beat with my Nerf ax last night while screaming "IT'S LUMBER TIME." Call me?
• Is it bad if my reason for not working out today is "too much caramel on hands"?
• My bucket list is just the words "afford things" written in orange crayon on a paper towel.
• As I get older my tastes are changing for instance I used to not like peas but now I don't like people

"You sank my four-holed thing"- how I play Battleship.

• Knock out all your teeth with a hammer and say goodbye to paying attention when Oral-B commercials come on.
• Contrary to what you might think, Pop Tarts with hollandaise doesn't taste like a match made in heaven.
• Not sure what's stopping me from buying a dinosaur bone and grating it over some pasta.
• Let's just disagree to disagree.
• When I close my eyes all I see is you ...and my mom. And Oprah. Some fridge magnets. A bee playing drums. Oh, and weird colored lights too.
• Are Cheez-Its and Cheese Nips even aware of each other?
• This "To Kill A Mockingbird" is the worst do-it-yourself book I've ever read.
• A great diet is to watch paranormal activity 3 & then be too scared to walk into the kitchen ever ever again
• I bet Pinocchio regretted becoming a real boy when he found out about diarrhea.
• I bet if everyone was allowed to punch one person in the face per year without consequence, people would be a lot nicer to each other.
• Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don't understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.
• White girl rules: 1.Starve yourself BC you'll feel fat no matter what (you can blame media) 2.Tell ppl u love to dance 3.Fart in private :(
• Pizza delivery is nice, but I bet it was like a thousand times cooler back when everyone rode horses.
• According to my neighbor's journal, I have "boundary issues."  pffft

I have no time for women with skinny arms.

• Please don't tell me I'm in for a treat unless you've got a rice crispie somewhere in the mix.
• I got a new coat* I'm gonna wear it all day! *comforter
• Um, this conversation is getting awkGUITAR SOLO
• "I bet you're all warm and snuggly now. So warm and snuggly. Well you better not move a muscle because-" *ZAP* -fleece blankets
• "don't worry the blood's not mine" was probably not the best way to respond to my doctor
• What I need is a high voltage cattle prod disguised as a doorbell.
• Take one jacket or sweatshirt, a handful of cookies, and a true lack of dignity, and YOU, TOO, can know the joy that is Snack Pockets.
• I'm a belieber and there's no way I'm going to belieb that Justin belanged some belimbo and made a belaby.
•  Every time I hang something on my rear view mirror, I think to myself "Does this make me look crazy or creative?" then I whisper "Who said that?"
• Ever get mad at your great great great grandparents for not buying a town when they cost 30 cents?
• Why did I build a shrine to you in my closet? Because you clicked "Like" on my status like a week ago. DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DON'T REMEMBER.
• When you're parking on a hill, do you turn the wheels out or sit inside the car paralyzed with social anxiety until the party's over
• Having a momma bear check out her kid bear's b-hole isn't gonna get me to buy your toilet paper, Charmin.
• Dear everyone who just saw me lose my shit when a wasp flew into my car: normally you have to pay for a show like that. You're welcome.
• My boss asked me to write up a summary of the meeting we just had, so I drew a picture of an hippo sticking a bagel in its butt.
• How many more Jolly Ranchers do I have to eat off the ground before one of you steps in?
• I don't care if you're being fake as long as you're pretending to like me.
• Too bad you "don't have all day," because I do and I'm going to spend it pissing you off.
• I've had a zit show up in the same place on my chin for 15 years. His name is Norman.
• My dog is burning a tiny hole in the ozone above my house with his stinking ahole
• I don't know what it means, but I officially now know the same number of people and dogs named Zoe.
• I'm not rolling my eyes; they're jumping for joy because you're so interesting.
• Closed eye talkers can get the F away from me thanks
• The way a vacuum cleaner puts the fear of god into my dog is very similar to what a stray pube in a public bathroom can do to me.
• I blew a red light* this morning because I'm a bad ass. *not on purpose
• If I was a stripper, my stripper name would be Gladys. Just to mix it up.
• Hey old people: hurry it up with the stories. I haven't got all day and let's be honest, you probably don't either.
• What does the 'Shift' key on the right side do? Buy the other keys donuts?