My life wasn’t always like this, she whispered to her stuffed penguin.

• • Next time you’re swallowed by a whale, stand up through the blowhole like it’s a sunroof on a limo. Throw your arms up. Have some fun.
  • Instead of wasting my money on professional highlights, I just clipped bacon strips to my head
  • “let’s do things to make each other mad.” -dating
  • Save money on acupuncture by having your friend shove you into the nearest cactus.
  • Sometimes I put on men’s deodorant and pretend I have a boyfriend
  • Cure everyone of hugs by giving them for too long.
  • You may not know this, but owls have staple removers for feet.
  • This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs. It’s doing well. It’s been on Cymbalta for about 6 weeks now.
  • If you shit on the floor & nobody’s home to see you do it, will they still know it was you? (asking for my dog)
  • I eat while standing at the kitchen sink so I can see my reflection in the window & pretend I’m having dinner with a fat friend.
  • I wish the conveyor belts at the grocery store had windows underneath so I could watch the little hamsters who run it.
  • Idea: breast implants filled with self-esteem. All the confidence without the back pain.
  • I’ll judge a book by its cover. I’ll judge it so hard. Then I’ll look inside & if there’s pictures, I’ll judge those too.
  • Robots wont tongue kiss because they’re afraid their faces will rust off & they’ll look ugly in all their FB pics.
  • A moment of silence for all the angels who lost their hair in order for us to eat spaghetti.
  • Stare at your phone throughout the entire 1st date so the other person can imagine the rest of their life with you.
  • Not to brag, but I look super cute in all 4 of my mugshots.
  • You have the right to remain silent. If you say a word, i’ll shoot you in the face with my finger guns. I am serious.
  • You’re sitting in heaven’s waiting room. Someone asks “how’d you die?” Your answer is “Chardonnay enema.”
  • Goodnight everybody. Sweet dreams. Except you. Yeah. You. I hope you wake up with gum in your armpit hair. You know why.

You're so vain; you probably think this duct tape's about you.

• If you hold this melted pack of Trader Joe's chocolate bars to your ear, you can hear god saying he has forsaken me.
• Could somebody look up the opposite of "lazy" for me? Thx.
• Dudes who walk and light a cigarette at the same time are such badasses that their badasses should be put in badass rehab for bein' badasses
• I hope you know pickles are my fuckin' life! You got a problem with pickles, you got a problem with me! Grand Theft Pickle
• You have some math in your name, Google+. We're off to bumpy start
• I don't know how I feel about peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. Lazy Me's like, “Suh-weet!” Practical Me's like, “Oh, for Fuck sake!”

• Hey, men in sandals: Nope.

  • If you're searching for a new nemesis, email me just a link.
  • Just made a comment about the heat and my shadow gave me the jerk-off motion.
  • Oh cool I didn't like that bumper on my car anyway
  • The best part about being an adult is that now my pillow forts have sex dungeons.
  • I bet that egg in the frying pan is still HIGH AS ALL SWEET MOTHER OF FU%KS right now.
  • If I were dating a bounty hunter I would never tire of saying "case solved" in the paper towel aisle.
  • Just serenaded the office with a Little Mermaid song, so yeah, I'm the fun one.
  • I'm looking to start my own Babysitters Club, but its really just going to be me & a bunch of men in a tree house doing crazy shit!
  • The least stressed-out person in the world is whoever gets paid to spot Prince on bench press.
  • Cooking myself pasta so I can carb up for the 24-hour I'm so incredibly alone marathon tomorrow!!!
  • I feel bad for 3 doors down, I know they're rich and famous but it must suck that they never got to use their original name "stink pile".
  • Any hot guys want to marry me for my money (like 46 dollars)?
  • I wish all our dads would stop making cookies and root beer for everyone and come home already.
  • I wish jiggly arm fat was in style.
  • You never know which of your coworkers is a serial killer until you cozy up by the fire & confess that you, too, have a collection of heads.
  • I wonder if strangers know all the bad names I call them from my car?
  • I assume the phrase "Loose lips sink ships" is about flappy vag whores on boats.
  • If you're having a running kung-fu battle with a lesbian, don't let her lure you in a flannel shirt factory. That's her "room of mirrors".
  • FUN FACT: If you write "man I want to bone her" in a comment on a YouTube video, the woman in the video comes to your house and lets you do whatever.
  •  While we frantically work to solve the budget crisis, a much bigger threat looms. Cats are running out of funny photo poses.
  • They changed our brand of copier paper for the 3rd time this year. I am writing "F this" on every single sheet in protest.
  • it's 2011 for god's sake why do I still have to get out of the bed to pee
  • I have great fondness for the kind of agreement between friends to make plans and then just forget about them.
  • I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.

  They should make kids in school watch how much cheese I can eat

• Um, how long has Slash been black?
• Starting a dating site for people that just want someone to turn off the lights after they fall asleep reading.
• Corporations should want marijuana to be legal because then who would remember to fast-forward through their commercials?
• Yeah. Yep. It's hot enough out for me. I don't actually require much heat. In fact, interesting fact about me: FUCK YOU.
• This kid told me I was his favorite and I'm like, “I know.” He goes, “How'd you know?” In what universe am I not everyone's favorite?
• Do you ever catch yourself singing Wonderwall into an ice cream cone? You're not better than me.
• To the boy listening to Destiny's Child in a Mazda Miata: I, like, love you. We can make this work.
• You could fill the state of New Hampshire with the number of people who have no idea I've been in their fridge.
• I joke a lot about murder, but that's only cos I'm comfortable with the idea of ending someone's life if they inconvenience me slightly.
• All I can think about is pizza. I guess my point is: Pizza. What a pizza! Seriously wizard need pizza badly. When's the last time you told pizza how you really feel?
• I will eat at any seafood restaurant that calls itself "Shrimply the Best." 
• So it doesn't go "I'm so fly like a cheese stick?" The song doesn't even make sense anymore!

It's not delivery, it's Ramen.

I almost died trying to brush my teeth with my left hand.

Saw a man with a beard in the shape of a beaver tail today so everythings gonna be all right

Really wanna do a buddy cop film with this quesadilla.

I pretty much plan my weekend around Doritos.

 Apparently the iPad 3 has a large, rough tentacle that slowly slides inside your butthole to notify you when the battery falls below 98%.

TECH NEWS: The new iPad3 will be invisible and people will know you have it only if you staple the receipt to your forehead.

Being blind must be a real challenge what with your friends constantly putting weird stuff in front of your face and high fiving each other.

A woman popping her gum really loud totally ran into a glass door like she didn't even see it when I pushed her.

Please leave a message after the entire Howard The Duck soundtrack.

there's a guy here who has a tattoo behind his earlike a tiny dab of perfume that smells like "go away"

I'm tryin to ask this fish out but its bein all koi

I totally support you in criticizing people! Until you criticize me. Then you're just a smug jerk. Don't worry about what I'm doing.

When I'm around a know-it-all they think they're teaching me things but I'm not listening BC I'm fantasizing about a meteor landing on them

Michelle Obama call me I have some ideas I wanna talk to you about. My cell phone number is still the same.

If you have the word "naughty" tattooed on you it probably burns when you pee.

“How about a wet paper towel on a stick?”-invention of the Swiffer

If you see someone wearing a fanny pack, you have to shove them into the nearest body of water. The Constitution says so.

If a guy turns me down I push my cleavage into a Y and arrange my hair into a question mark

Hey pregnant ladies keep taking artistic naked photos of yourselves because I don't think every single male on this planet is gay yet

No one wins with "factory distressed" denim. It distresses the sweatshop worker who has to make them & it distresses me to look at them.

If Donald Trump is carrying a brief case rest assured there's nothing in it but his backup hair.

I have been banned from "Hot yoga" for loudly complaining that I am the only hot person there.

My tombstone is just gonna say "canned chili. All day. Everyday."

A little advice: people don't care for unsolicited advice.

Your time management skills at the self-checkout lane in a grocery store tell me everything I'll ever need to know about you.

If we paid teachers more they'd probably stop dating their students. At this pointa 16 year old working at Quiznos doubles their income.

Calm down people backing into parking spaces.

I love when people drive ten miles under the speed limit like WE'RE NOT INCHING TOWARD THE GRAVE WITH EACH PASSING MINUTE.

I just had an epic meltdown at work. It's not an office pizza party if vegetables are on the pizza. F this place.

 My handheld Bejeweled machine is ringing.

 I can always tell if someone's eyes are too close together, or too far apart. And I always let them know.

 Can't tell if these people in Whole Foods are staring at me because I farted really loud or because I'm not wearing any hemp.

I wish my name rhymed with more things so my friends would sing a song about me when I entered the room instead of flipping me off

I got the best parking spot so now it doesn't matter that I almost ran four people over in my rush to get it.

If you simply imagine that everyone else on the road has much more important stuff to do than you, you'll be just fine.

Paid a call girl to come over and brush my hair. She should be here any minute. I will call her "Cheyenne."

Why would I brush my teeth when I could eat a box of Junior Mints instead?

Almost done spray painting childlike drawings of cats and dragons all over my neighbor's new car for absolutely no reason.

Fart. Fart? Fart!

• The guys who mime the words to "Lose Yourself" by Eminem while lifting weights are secretly listening to Melissa Etheridge (Fearless Love).
• Hey Netflix. Your instant "New Arrivals" stop being new after a month. Great selection of 1950's movies though. Exhilarating.
• Annoying people are all discovering new bands on iTunes tonight so they have something to not shut up about at work tomorrow.
• When the "low pressure" light comes on in my car, I drive faster so my tire reinflates. Cuz, ya know, science.
• FACT: My cat smells like a newborn angel draped in freshly laundered cotton. MYTH: I participated in physical activity this weekend.
• "We represent who? SON OF A..." - Rainbows
• Thrift Stores: Because garbage should cost something.
• If I had a lot of money, I would only use it to help people less fortunate than myself see how happy it makes me.
• My gardener thinks all the poop in my backyard is my dog's. And that's just adorable.
• I'd rather be forced to watch dogs take shits and get boners for 3 days straight, than listen to you complain about your boyfriend.
• I can't wait to see the new movie The Debt. It's so nice that they finally made a film about my creative writing degree.
• Pooping off the side of a hot air balloon would make for an exciting excerpt in my autobiography.
• Food delivery is a combination of my three favorite things: 1. Food 2. Not moving 3. Avoiding people
• Ugh strangers suck at cuddling.
• • My go-to fake phone call is always a conversation where someone's begging me to come to their party and me being all "Uh, yeah no."
  • Just got a littering ticket in the mail for letting a balloon go when I was seven.
  • At this point, I am potatoes.
  • I swear to god if my computer freezes one more time I'm gonna make another false threat and press re-start really, really hard.
  • My rebuttal is always a kiss on the cheek.
  • Eating at this Pizza Hut in Bumblefuck Pennsylvania really brings out my high school diploma.
  • My hit list is mostly comprised of people who have left food wrappers in my car.
  • If you fake a cough to let me know my cigarette stinks, then I'll probably dry heave to let you know your face is disgusting.
  • I was gonna make this rice but it says I have to boil water. Forget it, I don't even have a chef's hat.
  • Milk and chocolate syrup: The greatest story of interracial love against all odds the world has ever known.
  • • I just want to be skinny enough to fit around slow moving crowds.
    • If someone is really angry with you, just keep throwing them surprise parties everyday so they can't yell at you.
    • You can't HANDLE the kind of tea parties I'd be throwing if I were a night guard at Madame Tussauds.
    • I want my tombstone to say "Don't just stand there, change my status and profile pic ASAP."
    • To Do: 1 - Invent seven new dance moves, 2 - Covertly flip off all of my neighbours, 3 - Create own solo social network (Word document?).
    • Got the ol' throat/inner-ear itch. Time for weird, clicky tongue swirls.
    • How can I correct him without feeling rude? Say it quietly to him? Skywriting?
    • Dipping an onion ring in ranch dressing. I call it "vacation salad."
    • I like all the things that happen in between bread
    • Bad Wife Birthday Gifts (write this down guys): 1. Gift card to Buffalo Wings & Rings 2. Iron wrapped in one of your wrinkled shirts 3. One ticket to the Opera
    • Just found out one of my new co workers has the same name as me. I claim it, though. I'll just refer to her as "girl" or "poophead".
    • When I see some1 empty a bag of chips into their gaping food hole I secretly hope a spiders egg sack made its way into the mixture of crumbs
    • Burger King got rid of The King! Poor guy. Losing your job is tough, but I bet he’ll make a fine serial killer.
    • Your thumb ring tells me you smoke out with your mom.
    • • Some of the people I've flipped off in traffic over the years have probably passed away by now. Looks like I've finally won.
      • Doesn't it seem like we should be able to fax ice cream by now?
      • Things I love to do- 1. Peel off sunburned skin. 2. Wonder where my hubcap went. 4. Ignore the numbering 3. I think that's it.
      • There was a time when the biggest badass on TV was a kid who carried a slingshot in his back pocket and said stuff like "eat my shorts."
      • My dog ate 3 flies tonight right out of mid-air yet he still acts like he's not qualified to get a job.
      • Opinions are like a-holes. No one has one. - Barbie
      • "THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS" - Father with wrecking ball arms spinning around
      • My favorite musician is the helpless cat that Avril Lavigne chokes to death in all her songs.
      • Can't believe it's been over three weeks since I've had oodles of noodles.
      • My only goal in life is to not have a 'Forensic Files' episode made especially for me.
      • "They're tragically delicious!" - the lucky charms leprechaun after having both legs amputated because of type 2 diabetes
      • "Sending chocolate to the dolphins" is a classy euphemism for taking a dump.
      • Dear Diary, The guy at work still trys to hug me. Should I keep rubbin his back so he knows I dont like that? Are ghosts real? I don't love lisps.
      • My application to the Justice League got rejected. Apparently, holding my breath for a minute is not a superpower. And talking to fish is?

All of your missing socks somehow end up in my dryer.

•  I have lots of marketable skills as long as you're in the market for someone who loves cheese and is easily startled.
• When life hands you lemons, why is there feces on the wall? And blood? Aaaaaaiiiiieeeeeeeee!
• Sometimes I get nervous because I don't feel nervous, & then that reminds me to be nervous.
• Double meanings upset me. As do single meanings quite frankly.
• I attend Anger Management meetings and introduce myself as Ruth Banner.
• I feel like if I ever actually got a lightsaber I would just end up using it to cut cheese a lot.
• Saw an adult man wearing a "I do my own stunts" t-shirt. So I pushed him down some stairs.
• McDonald's forgot my napkins but I'm sure the new staff won't forget when they look at the McDonald's napkin massacre of 2011 memorial wall.
•  I don't wanna sound all boasty or anything, but I am, BY FAR, the drunkest girl in this tree.
• Every once in a while I eat a small bag of Doritos to remind myself how bland and flavorless everything else I eat is

• Are you there god? it's me fartgret

  
  
  •  Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.
  • Oh GREAT I just found out bees have feelings now I have to go around living with that all day
  • This booger is cool enough to tell everyone about, but juuust gross enough to lose friends over if I send them pictures.
  • My favorite part in "Pretty in Pink" is when she doesn't go to the prom, stays home with her five cats, and watches "Pretty in Pink".
  • Hang on, cabs are yellow to remind us we're allowed to pee in them, right?
  • Fruit bats are not as delicious as their name would imply.
  • Park Rangers creep me out, it's like they want you to know - that they know - where a dead body will never be found. Also, their outfits.
  • "It's nothing. Forget I said anything." - Me about 5 minutes before hell is unleashed upon the Earth.
  • We could make a Jean jacket for a cricket if we wanted to. It's no big whoop.
  • If a stupid dog stares at me too long I show it my middle finger which happens to have peanut butter on it aww I love dogs
  • Just put something back where I found it this adulthood shit is EXHAUSTING
  • I have an in

    LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER

    • The first question aliens will ask our leaders is why that peanut is wearing a top hat and monocle
    • Don't make me make you make me make you do something because I get confused easily.
    • I wonder if people in China call their crappy plates their "America collection."
    • "Cool, I love candles. What's with the knives? Wait, stop. Please stop!" - pumpkin
    • Isn't life peachy? (nice, but covered in a yucky fuzz).
    • Crunchy peanut butter was a delicious result from someone not giving a shit about their job.
    • I am graceful & elegant until I'm in the vicinity of a box of chicken in a biskit crackers & then it's full speed white trash ahead
    • It's about the journey, not the destination unless the destination is super fun like Disneyland or a trampoline.
    • Oklahoma is OK in my book. My book of state initials.
    • If I sleep without any sort of blanket on me, I'm SURE to be murdered in the night.
    • Sometimes I like your status because I like it, other times I'm just killing a bug that's landed on my phone screen. Either way, you're welcome

    I lost fifty pounds in two weeks by lying!
    • I switched it up and wore a sports bra to work. This is great, best decision I made all day. Second best was pooping before work.
    • A small salad from Cheesecake Factory is big enough to feed a family of four for a week or me for 20 minutes.
    • I'm a big fan of eggs but not my own cuz they're made out of god's anger and my mother's poor decisions
    • At the ripe old age of 900, in a universe inhabited by thousands of alien races, I bet Yoda had some pretty racist shit to say.
    • Sneezing towards a fan is a suicide attempt.
    • When I feel cocky I just remind myself that 90% of my passwords are "password".
    • The best part of watching the last Harry Potter movie with my son was waiting until the end and whispering to him "Childhood's over bro".
    • Don't tell people you're free as a bird unless you're comfortable taking shits on strangers' cars.
    • You are not rich till you own an entire drawer of matching socks, & some of them have to be cashmere. REMEMBER THAT PEOPLE!
    • I've always thought that "Nothing worth having ever comes easy" but then Easy-Mac was invented and shook my whole belief system to the core.
    • If the Mentalist was as good as he claimed, he could make me watch that shitty show.
    • I swear, half of my rage is rooted in opening packaging.
    • By now, I bet Dolly Parton's boobs look like two wrinkly water balloons filled with wet cement.
    • Gosh darn all you people with filthy mouths straight to heck! You're all a bunch of frickin' sons of biscuits. Seriously, what the fun?
    • Turns out we've been spelling "teenager" wrong this whole time. It's more accurately spelled "teenanger".
    • You can put your shirts back on now, Red Hot Chili Peppers.
    • Survival of the fittest? Uh, apparently you haven't been down to the mall lately. Theory debunked.
    • The internet does a great job at distracting me away from the the thing I was just distracted by on the internet.
    explicable pain in my left hip. So this is probably goodbye.
  • 
    

Any smile lines I have are strictly from farting.

• This morning I tried to sneeze with a mouthful of Listerine without spitting it out, which is why I shouldn't make my own decisions.
• Let's hope the fate of the world never depends on me hammering a nail in straight.
• Everything is so fascinating when I'm avoiding eye contact.
• I like bluegrass but I prefer to call it smurfin' turf.
• A man buying three enemas was giving me life advice. I will listen to him forever.
• Slowly and systematically pouring my paychecks into overpriced neon sweatshirts.
• A stranger just said "you're welcome." I don't have a lot going on maybe I'll hold him to it forever.
• Bike rack on your car? Weak. I put a bike rack on my bike to carry more bikes with my bike. Call me when you're ready to actually get sporty
• My ex recently came down with a bad case of being murdered
• I wonder if it's still rock and roll to Billy Joel because it's whiny queef rock to me.
• Hey Home Shopping Network: We have the Internet now.
• I hope no one tapes me to a toilet!!
• I may not be the voice of my generation but I speak for 43% of my rubber ducks.
• Uh nobody dies not alone, retards.
• "You know what? He's gonna need a place to put that." - God. Right before he created Eve.
• The hardest work I've done all day is holding in this fart.

• Nobody looks sexy playing the tuba.

  • It's almost like some security cameras are set up simply to show the world that I'll pee just about anywhere.
  • Math will totally make you look like a slut. Example: You're a 25 year old mother of a 9th grader.
  • Every time I wake up not handcuffed to a taco truck, I know I could've made better choices.
  • Hysterical strength is what you get when you have to lift a car off a baby or get the lid off a frosting can when Law & Order is starting.
  • I'm super good at cuddling. And being silent when I move. And being nearly invisible in the dark. And climbing fences. And picking locks.
  • My answering machine message: "I have caller ID, please don't leave a message, I will not be returning your call." No beep, just a foghorn.
  • Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
  • I hope you won't mind if I stare toward your house at dusk in an expressionless porcelain mask.
  • I'd marry ANY wizard.Even evil Slytherins or retarded Hufflepuffs.
  • Who wants to guess what Lady Gaga is going to wear? My guess is a Saran Wrap dress with a birdcage hat with live birds! hmm I should call and let her know she can borrow mine :)
  • Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I'll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
  • So weird how the Magic School Bus never took a journey to the inside of a sock and showed us why they stink and stuff.
  • I like to think in some parallel universe I'm break dancing on a cardboard box right now.

  • I can't keep your secret. Don't tell me anything.

    •  My walk of shame is from the ice cream truck to my illegally-parked car.
    • Can the world be made of mattresses and we just lie down everywhere and roll-around places?
    • I just want people to accept me for who I pretend to be.
    • Oh, really, officer? You say *everybody* has to stop at the red light? That smacks of socialism. Are you a socialist? Hmm? Is that a taser?
    • I read a book today and by read I mean stole and by book I mean unguarded sandwich
    • I discovered a comet so I get to name it after my uncle. You should be able to see "Ass-sexy McRapewhistle's Comet" fly over on Sept 4 2012.
    • I call dibs on everything, ever. Sorry, it's out of my hands now. I'll be by to pick up all of your stuff later. Or MY stuff, rather.
    • I'm never more focused than when I'm trying not to smell 4 day old leftovers I'm putting down the garbage disposal.
    •  I WASN'T NOMINATED FOR BEST ANYTHING AT ALL EVER PREPARE TO FEEL MY WRATH
    • I'm not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It's a group effort, bears.
    • "Chile con Carne" is a flavor of jellybean I'd be all "ew" about then secretly buy an entire box of.
    • Hopefully now everyone can get back to caring about how my lower back feels today. (A bit ouchy.)
    • I know for a fact that if I could French braid my own hair I would be a much happier person. Any sane female would agree.
    • Why is someone cooing "there, there" supposed to be comforting? What's where?
    • When someone calls "Shotgun!" before me, I shoot them in the head with a shotgun.
    • I hate Menthol cigarettes, but if you give me a Camel Crush, I'm popping that ball like it was a hymen at a post-prom party.
    • My dog’s online dating ad would probably read: “Must be fluffy and enjoy rolling in pee. Threesomes welcome. No puggles.”
    • According to my calorie intake, I just need to be on the treadmill for 3 years today.

When I die I want to be buried at Sees

I could stare for hours at photographs of rainbow-colored cakes. 
I ran over a kid that was riding a unicycle home from school today. I feel bad, but It had to be done. 
"Things are starting to get ridiculous." -- What I say when things are starting to get ridiculous. 
I won't apologize if I hit you with my boobs but I will shout Lord Titty blesses you 
It's impossible to fit any more "life changing" backpacking experiences into this Trader Joe's. 
If you're a millionaire and you don't have a Double Dare obstacle coarse in your house, you don't deserve to be a millionaire. 
We seem to be overlooking the fact that E.T. Looks a lot like poop. 
Gonna pretend I lost my memory and wander onto a farm acting all crazy. Hopefully the farmer will make me a steak & listen to my problems 
The stick figure decals on my car's rear window represent the people I've hit.
I admire George Lucas for his ability to enrage nerds. 
They called them "pants" because "napkins" was already taken 
Do you think Tupac got his overalls at JCPenney?Did I get my overalls at JCPenney? 
I bought work out clothes that are turning into great pajamas! 
I go to Taco Bell and throw in random adjectives to see if they notice. "I'll have the Cheesy Double Sweaty Burrito." 
I want a pet raccoon. I'll name him Rascal. He'll break the neighbors' flowerpots and bring me shiny things. 
As a kid, Jamie Lee Curtis taught me about periods. As an adult, shes taught me about pooping regularly. Are you there JLC? Its me, Krista 
Celebrities are all so superficial...except for the really pretty ones that I'm totally in love with and want to marry. They're all perfect. 
Making me get up early is a great way to get that new lifelong grudge with me started. 
There's absolutely no reason whatsoever for me to be running a table saw in my house everyday but my neighbors don't know that. 
Totally blasting Billy Joel out of my minivan. I'm like sex on wheels right now. 
Most people don't know this, but Dr. Seuss's first name is "Hey" 
There has to be a bait & tackle shop named "Master Baiters", there just HAS to be! 
I'm kind of like Jesus, in that, I can change water into pee. 
"DON'T YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME" - Farts 
Having a stationary bike in my house is really convenient for my busy lifestyle of throwing my clothes on a stationary bike. 
Bank robbers give a bad name to people who just want to deposit their check with a mask on. 
The smaller the neighborhood, the harder it is to pee on someone's lawn without it being a 'thing.' 
Having the ability to morph into the form of a saltwater crocodile while still retaining your human consciousness would get you so laid. 
I use pirate booty to pay my electric bill. 
How do you tell a plumber you don't want your sink super fixed because then you wouldn't be able to call it the Leaky Cauldron anymore? 
The camera adds 10 pounds and I just ate 36 cameras. 
Fat people with skinny legs, I'm fascinated. Tell me your story. 
My one-eyed coworker, Patches keeps telling me his name is Kevin, not Patches. Oh Patches... 
I'm a total workaholic when it comes to drinking vodka. 
Hey musicians, please try not to have long periods of silence in your songs, because my hard drive is almost full. 
Never tell a girl she looks healthy I don't care if you meant beautiful I said NEVER brb crying 
It's amazing how people who cut you off in traffic are also responsible for everything that's ever gone wrong in your life. 
Why do people wear helmets while riding a scooter? I think your head is safe if your top speed is a whopping 10 mph. 
I'd rather be told that it's my turn to give Chaz Bono a 5-hour sponge bath than to find out I've been selected for jury duty. 
No Kia, I do not want to drive the same kind of car as hamsters. 
If I had 24 hours to live, I'd go to every bookstore or coffee shop and slam everyone's laptop shut until I dropped dead. 
Hey guys named Larry, good luck with that. 
I've noticed a disappointing lack of rocket-powered wheelchairs with dual-mounted soft-serve machines. 
Drinking ice water after eating a cough drop feels like swallowing penguins and lasers. 
A toilet is like a microphone for your ass. 
Forget world hunger. Donate your money to my un-identical eyebrows. 
More bad wife bday gifts: 1. A 2nd job 2. Jiffy Lube coupon 3. Spa day at a place called Ralph's 4. Something from your mistress' Etsy site 
When did sex, drugs, rock & roll turn into dick pics, Tylenol PM, and Selena Gomez? 
Wanna terrify me? Put me in a room with a marionette. 
Funny how when you like someone everything they do is cute. "You just pooped in a dumpster? Omg you're adorable." 
I'd love being a hurricane, only way I could drive my car, climb a tree and pick up all my kids from school at the same time. 
Just whispered "I'm gonna eat you" to a piece of toast and now I don't want to be me anymore. 
Missing: Hubcap. Silver & round. Last seen on my car in 2009. $$$ reward. I'm not gonna say "no questions asked" because I'll ask questions. 
Some gross guy is probably looking at his toenails right now thinking he should clip them, but he won’t do it because he’s gross. 
These seagulls are so psyched about this dead fish, I think they just high-winged each other. 
Me: "It'd be super awesome if you printed a syllabus." Teacher: "I welcome any opportunity to be awesome." I think I'm doing work right! 
Always read the fine print because you have to break a few eggs (and cross the canyon of destiny on a pegasys) to make an omelet. 
If the name of your auto repair shop has the word "lube" in it, there is a 100% chance that I will snicker as I drive by.

In a perfect world a "Party Pooper" would be someone who could shoot confetti out of their butt.

• Someday, I am gonna go all Hannibal Lecter on a jackwad yelling into his cell phone in a coffee shop.
• Don't tell hungry people that one time I made too much spaghetti and then just wore the rest as a wig.
• Cashier at the book store told me to "take it easy" so I stabbed her in the neck with my keys because nobody tells me how to live my life.
• I call it "quiet time" yet you insist on referring to it as "being buried alive".
• Shave your head, then put on a tiny hat, then conceal the aforementioned tiny hat with a wig made from your own hair. It's your life.
• Will a great stylist please come over & give me a haircut for $10? I DO NOT want to drive to your location AND pay $85, doesn't make sense.
• No one will EVER love you as much as I do, Reese's Peanut Butter Pumpkins.
• A new study found kids who watch SpongeBob SquarePants have shorter attention something-or-others blah blah I want coffee.
• It says a lot about my personality that I feel comfortable passing judgement on co-workers while having food stains on my shirt all day.
• Tried to unlock my door with a banana. How am I still alive?
• If you're not good at something right away, keep practicing. Or kill yourself because practice is boring and your dreams are stupid anyway.
• I have a friend that brings out the worst in me, the only solution is to murder her. I know!!! I know!!
• OMG PEOPLE WHO WEAR VISORS
• •  My dream movie is a Gilmore Girls feature film with me playing all the characters.
  • "As a bear, I'm not required to wear clothing, but F it; I'll put on this t-shirt." - Winnie the Pooh
  • Do they make a lint roller for the inside of your body? I messed up.
  • I hope this zebra stripe swim cap goes with my complete lack of dignity.
  • Most of my frowns are inspired by yogurt commercials.
  • What did we even do before sign spinners?
  • I just want to make sure everyone knows that I wish I walked down the aisle to That's My Bitch. 
  • According to the contents of this long-forgotten Tupperware in the back of my fridge, I am an excellent mad scientist.
  • I'm about to watch Paranormal Activity 2 so nobody make any sudden movements for 90 min or I'm apt to knife you.
  • The reason I'm a people person? I love mixing red and blue together. No, I think YOU misunderstood the question. -all my job interviews
  • "Pfffft." - squirrel watching Spiderman for the first time
  • I've been pronouncing 'Hospice' this whole time as if it were the deodorant for prostitutes
  • Did you know if you play a Taylor Swift album backwards during The Wizard of Oz it still sounds like bullshit?
  • My Iphone is secretly just a rock I carry around and being able to talk to Keanu Reeves is the only app it has.
  • If I were a fish, I'd befriend a whale so I could hitch rides and talk shit to everyone.
  • My friends would say "they never knew what love was till they had kids" & I honestly didn't get it till I discovered watermelon juice.
  • Someday I will disappoint a burglar with my one drawer of Taco Bell mild sauce packets.
  • Let's be honest. They're windshield wipers for about a week, then they're just smudgers.
  • Diarrhea is just confirming the fact that you make poor life decisions.
  • You should never use the word "nutsacky" when describing how a newborn baby feels.
  • Not to brag but my bills are pretty outstanding.
  • •  If you don't put pepper in your Yoplait so you can sneeze yogurt all over people at the mall you're a much better person than me.
    • "That toot you pooted sure sounded like a fart" -ME, BEING AMAZING.
    • Determined zombies wouldn't let a brain fart keep them from a hearty meal
    • This Weight Watchers book says to see how many pieces of cheese I can fit on this pile of white bread. Books say anything if you have a pen.
    • Watching "Clue". My favorite ending is the one where Ms. May is in the bedroom with Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.
    • Introducing a Recession-Era line of scented candles: Tire Fire, Cigarette Burn, Shitty Present to Give Your Secretary as Severance, Vanilla.
    • If I inherited a fortune I'd blow it all on puppies and sequined anything.
    • "Trimming your bangs isn't hard. It won't be like those other times. You can do this, gorgeous." -- Me. I shouldn't be left alone.
    • I'm not saying that my neighbors are nosy. I'm just saying maybe they shouldn't be so concerned about what I'm doing in their fridge..
    • If I was invisible, I'd probably set aside two days every month to make Hilary Swank pull fire alarms & touch strangers inappropriately.
    • OH THAT WORD DOESN'T EXIST BOOKWORM? WELL SAY IT TO MY STUPID FACE STUPID WORMFACE GAME APP THINGFACE

Trying to remember what I had for lunch yesterday is my sudoku.

• Almost hit a biker while I was texting & driving today so please you guys be careful do NOT ride bikes
• Thinking about adding "Don't Google me" to my business cards.
• All any parent really wants is a grandchild to drive their child batshit insane for about 18 years.
• Someone put six uneaten pastries in the trash because Satan has many forms.
• An old man cut me in line at the gas station. I just smiled at him. This is probably what robots experience when they start to feel feelings
• Man this paper shredder is great for getting rid of papers you don't want anymore do they make these for people
• I still cry every day because of what Milli Vanilli did to us.
• The only thing I've eaten today is a handful of Junior Mints. Now I know how Africa feels. 
• There's a little child in the office, rapping, & now nobody's talking about my haircut anymore :(
• I don't know if I'd call it dinner with my dad as much as I'd refer to it as watching my father try to get with every waitress under 25.
• Age is just a number that lets people know how gross you're getting.
• I'd take a bullet for a friend. (Unless they ask me to see them in a play; then our relationship abruptly goes up in flames)
• "Get your donkey out of my backyard!" - something I hope to hear someday because I want both a donkey and a grumpy neighbor. Life is short.
• How many parking tickets you think the average butt can hold?
• • Almost hit a biker while I was texting & driving today so please you guys be careful do NOT ride bikes
  • Thinking about adding "Don't Google me" to my business cards.
  • All any parent really wants is a grandchild to drive their child batshit insane for about 18 years.
  • Someone put six uneaten pastries in the trash because Satan has many forms.
  • An old man cut me in line at the gas station. I just smiled at him. This is probably what robots experience when they start to feel feelings
  • Man this paper shredder is great for getting rid of papers you don't want anymore do they make these for people
  • I still cry every day because of what Milli Vanilli did to us.
  • The only thing I've eaten today is a handful of Junior Mints. Now I know how Africa feels. 
  • There's a little child in the office, rapping, & now nobody's talking about my haircut anymore :(
  • I don't know if I'd call it dinner with my dad as much as I'd refer to it as watching my father try to get with every waitress under 25.
  • Age is just a number that lets people know how gross you're getting.
  • I'd take a bullet for a friend. (Unless they ask me to see them in a play; then our relationship abruptly goes up in flames)
  • "Get your donkey out of my backyard!" - something I hope to hear someday because I want both a donkey and a grumpy neighbor. Life is short.
  • How many parking tickets you think the average butt can hold?
  • • I heard that if you get caught screaming like a crazy person at the bank I'm allowed to take all your money. That's just what I heard.
    • The more exclamation points you use the worse I assume you are in bed
    • Sorry I never read that book you read in high school I must've been sick on fag day
    • I shit in a backpack ONE TIME and now all of a sudden I'm banned from Target!
    • Oops! Instead of saying "Goodnight" to my boss, I just leaned in & whispered "I'm gonna murder you."
    • Pretty sure these farts are my fault.
    • Convertibles would be even MORE awesome with some kind of permanent top to protect you from the elements. Imagine the luxury!
    • Found some chips in the bag of air I just bought.
    • Does the staff meeting have monkeys riding wolverines? No? Sorry I'm busy that day.
    • This kid keeps staring at me with these beady little eyes which immediately makes me regret super-gluing all those beads to his eyes.
    • This guy is so hot that I feel like a sex offender just talking to him about how I'm required by law to inform him that I'm a sex offender.
    • Single women over 30, please keep applying your makeup with a makeup cannon. It's totally working.
    • Oh my god sweatpants aren't supposed to be tight lady in Target
    • "THAT'S IT! Honey, get me my giraffe net." —My Perfect Husband
    • I've been doing my self-portrait and so far I have 4 paintings of 31 people I've never met.
    • I'm just trying to be the best insignificant speck in the grand scheme of the universe I can be.
    • I hate when someone accuses me of dressing like them or when the clothes they wear don't come in my size.
    • Your sweatpants are just waiting in your drawer, crossing off days on their calendar.

    • Tuesday is a vacant stare in a crowded room.

      • I can't tell if my friend is having a stroke or reading an Ikea catalog out loud
      • An unknown person has placed a sandwich in the office fridge and called it "Marie". It doesn't look like a "Marie".
      • Stoners should be disappointed by chicken pot pie BUT THEY NEVER ARE what's up with that Mr. Pie why are you so delicious no you stop it
      • I wish there was an emoticon to illustrate my mind running buck wild.
      • I just ate some white cheddar popcorn if anyone wants to smell my breath or just lick the inside of my mouth.
      • My friends don't like me now that I'm sober. Maybe it's because I told them "I can only be around you when I'm drunk, otherwise it's awful"
      • I have so much to do tomorrow. Way more than anyone else ever. Oh you have a lot to do? Prob a tiny amount compared to me. Sorry. I win.
      • Every once in a while, a stubborn candy wrapper gets eaten.
      • I feel like Ms. Pacman gives women an unrealistic body image.
      • I want attention, but not TOO much attention. Please pay medium attention to me.
      • I've never had an addiction, but I'm pretty sure if someone made me stop rubbing my dog's ears on my face, I'd die or something.
      • What's the legal limit on how many times you can pee in one day?
      • I BOUGHT A PLANT YESTERDAY AND I THINK THIS PLANT LOVES ME BUT HOW CAN YOU TELL IF IT HAS FEELINGS I DON'T KNOW
      • I'm starting to think nothing I do will ever warrant a press conference.
      • "Please try to park in a way that doesn't suck" - if you found this note on your windshield, I forgot to write "AND PLEASE DON'T PROCREATE"
      • I wish more pedestrians were made of chocolate AND it was legal to bite people.
      • Even if you don't have to poop, bathrooms are still a nice place to take your pants off and sit for a while.
      • It's so hard when your favorite thing ever is just lying there and crying but your least favorite thing is tears getting into your ears.

My crotch is really just a high maintenance cup holder.

•   At my first yoga class and I'm already super excited because everyone has a nap mat
• Getting my hair tangled in a round brush is probably what the holocaust felt like.
• "Just poke that lion in the rectum with this stick and film it. BOOM! That's our logo." --MGM
• This packaging wants me to tear along the dotted line. Well, it can go tell its master I've built up an immunity to such trickery.
• Congratulations to all my Facebook friends for cooking breakfast!!!! Good job!!!
• Does anyone know if there is an over-the-counter sleeping pill strong enough to fight thinking about whether or not dogs have accents?
• Hey Grumpy People, make sure your face looks super grumpy so that everyone knows you're grumpy.
• I relate with Native Americans the most when I'm trying to hear my downstairs neighbors argue.
• Never learned how to do an oil change, but I can build you a castle out of deli meats.
• If Karaoke Battle USA isn't a show about drunk white chicks competitively scream-whining 80s power ballads, I'm moving to Norway.
• If your posture's too good all the time, we know you're capable of murder.
• My GPS only gives directions to discrete ATMs after 4 am and I think its enabling me to be weird.
• Chef Boyardee must get pretty tired of shitting in all those cans.
• Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, you're probably wearing a flesh-colored shirt.
• There's not a little guy inside the vending machine fetching my sodas? How long have you guys known about this?
• Ever pull your hood over your face & feel your face with the hood on it? It's weird. But not as weird as your face! Keep that shit covered.
• I'm going to patent my exercise program. It's like P90X except all you do is sit at Starbucks and undress people with your eyes.
• Everything slows down when I have to make that naked walk to the blinds I forgot to close.
• It's too early in the evening for my kids to be "sick and tired" of hearing me rap on my karaoke machine.
• Jealous of all my feral friends. Their wolf parents let them do anything they want.
• Wanna test the limits of a person's sanity? Say "even by your standards" after complementing them. Then, walk away and look really busy.
• For comfort while sleeping have a shot of fabric softener before going to bed

Listen if you call me on the phone youre clearly obsessed with me

I write 82% of my notes with no pants on.

• Everyone's entitled to their stupid opinion.
• I don't mean to brag but I bet I could win a toddler beauty pageant
• You almost have to question the judgment of any guy who's never tossed a donut in the air and tried to catch it with his boner.
• I'm at a point now where I just cry if I'm not having pizza.
• MAYBE I'D EAT RAISINS IF THEY WERE MARKETED AS GRAPE ZOMBIES
• Americans are wearing the shit out of diabetes.
• I’m terrified of bugs. No idea what to say to them.
• You guys would be impressed by how high I can stack stuff when I don't wanna empty the trash.
• There's a lot of people I've been meaning to stab in the face but there just isn't enough time for all the murder.
• The intensity in which my dog is staring at the neighbors kid playing out the window is getting creepy.
• In my mind, I become the best parent in the world when I'm silently judging how other parents are handling their kids.
• Church taught me that Cheerios were a little bag of shut-the-F-up.
• I'm staining our fence, but when I go to dip the paint brush my latte spills. This must be what it was like in the Old West.
• ANYONE WANT TO WATCH ME DRINK WATER ON SKYPE
• You can always count on me to rip your document while trying to tear along a perforated edge.
• I know it sounds creepy but I had a premonition that my friend was going to die right before I murdered him.
• I wish the Native Americans made a dream catcher only for cupcakes.

•  A good trick would be if bears wore overalls because then you'd think they're farmers but then surprise they are bears! Run.
• Just spent a few minutes trying to see what the back of my eyelids look like in case any of you were wondering if I finished college.
• By the end of the day I look like an unmade bed.
• So, you want to roll with the big dogs huh? *rolls down meadowy hill in the warm sun with three large St. Bernards, laughs, feels joy*
• If my open tray table can really hinder a landing we really need to rethink the whole air travel thing.
• Not being on fire is part of a balanced breakfast.
• Feels pretty good to be every single episode behind on "Doctor Who".
• If Paul McCartney spends any time in hell, my guess is it'll mostly be having to listen to me try and harmonize with him singing Blackbird.
• Sweater Vests: Keeping your torso warm and your conversations short.
• Nothing in all this world beats asking the dreadlocked guy behind the Whole Foods deli counter for a pound of dolphin meat.
• Watching a guy apply chapstick is like staring directly into the sun.
• As an only child I hate when people call me "selfish" or "to tell me about their stupid accomplishments".
• Nervous in a social situation? Quickly say as much stuff as you can to whoever is looking at you and then pass out. Problem solved.
• Celery is so awful, even calories are like, "Hell no, we don't want to be in that thing!"
• Guys, don't put on TOO much cologne. One whiff is usually enough to make a woman flood her undies with sex juice.
• "It's all about being confident in the way your butthole looks." - cats.
• I love how weathermen just assume it's going to be a pleasant weekend. I guess they don't have any family.
• I still get upset when I think about the year I dressed up for Halloween as a cell phone and everyone thought I was a calculator.
• I'm trying to be less pessimistic but some people still put white rice in burritos.

Farts are just poop sighs.

• Lady Gaga is giving me a free concert! (I dropped my radio in the toilet.)
• "I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS!" --me as I walk out of the office kitchen refusing to make coffee.
• Thank you lucky charms, for for being an acceptable way to eat marshmallows before 10 am, thank you
• If I was a farmer the first thing I'd do is have a meeting with the roosters & cows & tell them to wake up around 9:30 instead of 5.
• WHERE MA PIPIN' HOT WAFFLES AT
• It's awkward when my coworker fights with her bf over the phone, mostly because she whispers & I have to roll my chair close to her to hear.
• Sometimes I need something heavier than a sheet or a blanket on top of me to sleep. Like gravy.
• Gonna make a dance video in the street. I might crawl around on the hood of my car and/or dramatically throw a traffic cone. Not sure yet.
• I wish we lived in a world that didn't judge people based on their appearances except on the days I got it going on.
• Couples holding hands: I'm still going to look at your butts.
• I like peas now am I a lady?
• I'm writing a screenplay about a mouthy loose-cannon cop who goes deep undercover to infiltrate a notorious hacky sack ring.
• I'd buy ice cream from the ice cream truck guy if his bell didn't sound so sad. I'm gonna tell him "Yo, your bell is bad for business". Brb
• I hope all your dreams come true! Except for that one. No, no, the other one. Yeah, that. You're really messed up for wanting that.
• Sickos be sicko-in'.
• I blame my horrible luck on that mirror breaking gang I was in during my elementary years.
• I need to take a break from this break I'm taking.
• Make no mistake, I will definitely break up with you over how ugly your "cry face" is.